


When She Came Back

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence, Pregnancy, Season/Series 06, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Unresolved Emotional Tension, slight psychological warfare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2019-07-27 12:27:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 39,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16219031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: "How do you know she didn't dig her way out?"There was no way Joan Ferguson could dig her way out... or was there?An alternative take on the end of S6.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said before, I'm no good at coming up with titles, but while searching through song titles on youtube, I found one called When She Came Back by Max Richter. I thought the title was fitting for the story, and the music was beautiful. Have a listen if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TNt3Yu0AJ4

This was not something she ever thought she'd do. This place was dark, cold... almost desolate. Was it her mind playing tricks on her or did it feel and smell of sorrow and death? She touched her stomach, thinking of what could happen to her and the small life growing inside her if anyone found out about this. There was no way Joan Ferguson could dig her way out... or was there?

Vera rubbed her hands together as she stood next to Jake, watching with anxiety as a cold sweat trickled down her hairline. She imagined it was even worse for Will to have to return to the scene of the crime. It haunted him so much and it was horrible how much guilt the man had over it. She still couldn't believe that Will would do such a thing.

_If only I'd let her hang..._

_But why did I save her? Just to make myself appear better than her, nothing more. There is nothing left in me that cares about **her**._

Glancing over at Jake from the corner of her eye, she thinks the same about him. How could he be the father of her baby after everything that's happened? Why did the universe put her in this situation?

_I don't care about him either... I don't. Even though he made me feel safe, it was all a lie. Just like Joan said._

_These damn pregnancy hormones are making me emotional. Don't start missing Jake. I don't love him... I don't, not anymore._

**_“We laugh at how pathetic you are,” Joan taunted._ **

Vera grit her teeth, remembering that time when Joan revealed to her the truth about Jake. It was no wonder that Will wanted her dead. She was surprised she didn't let her die. But that was against her character, at least she wanted to do the right thing despite what Joan expected of her.

_But that “thank you” she gave me sounded so genuine..._

_No, she's manipulative. I can't feel sorry for her now. Everything she's done, she's brought onto herself. I tried to protect her in the end, but I couldn't stop those who wanted her dead later. Maybe I should have just let them do what they wanted. None of us would be in this mess now._

It felt like it was never-ending as she held her breath, listening to the sounds of the dirt that Will dug up. She wasn't sure if she could handle this type of stress. _Then why are you here?_

She had to find out once and for all, if everything she experienced was because Joan was stalking her and playing games with her. Will grunted, breathing heavily as he stopped. Vera looked down to see the box that was now visible. There was a large crack along the top, showing more of the opening and she could see dirt inside.

Will's body was shaking as he opened more of the box, shaking his head. It took her a few seconds to come to the realization that there was no body in the box. Will's breathing came in hoarse gasps as he fearfully looked at her and Jake.

_How do you know she didn't dig her way out?_

His eyes wide and his face pale, he looked around wildly in panic. Vera and Jake stepped back, and Vera almost lost her footing, looking up as Jake quickly grabbed her arm. If it weren't for the shock, she would have snapped at him for touching her, but considering what had just been revealed, Vera allowed the help.

“So it is her... it's h-her. She's out there and she knows.”

“We don't know what she knows,” Jake said anxiously.

Vera shook her head, her breathing fast and tight. “She's after me. Did she think I had something to do with this?! I will not be dragged down with the two of you!”

Jake looked angrily at her. “You should have thought about that before you let Bea out!”

“Fuck off, Jake!”

“Shut up!”

Vera turned to see Will trembling in front of her. “We're not alone here... shh,” he said quietly.

Vera's mouth dropped open as she looked around but all she could see was their truck and the rest of the woods. It was so dark. She couldn't be watching them now could she? Vera felt the hairs stand up on the back of her neck.

There was a sound of an engine starting, and she turned as a car a short distance from them flashed its brights before going completely dark.

“W-who is that?” She whispered.

Jake swallowed and Will stood next to her. “You know who it is. Who else could it be?” He asked tersely.

“B-but how would she know?”

“It's Ferguson. At this point, I would put nothing past her anymore. She's probably been watching us this whole time.”

The lights flashed again, startling them, and Vera's eyes squinted as she lifted her hand to shield her face. She watched as the car turned off its lights again. Will stepped forward and Vera jumped as the car's tires screeched as it sped off.

“My pips missing... the dead magpie... the gloves on my pillow. She's been in my house.”

“But why would she go after you when you saved her from being lynched? Why not me or Will?” Jake asked.

“I don't know,” she whispered. Her heart pounding, she felt moisture in her mouth as she breathed harder.

“Vera, are you okay?”

Vera felt like what she was experiencing wasn't real, and as she felt the bile rise up in her throat, she ran towards the side of the truck and vomited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've expressed this on twitter, but I was pretty disappointed with the way things went in S6 with how they handled Joan. As always, I'm a FreakyTits shipper and this story will involve that. I'm unsure how long it will be since I wasn't sure if I would do another longer fic for a while. It may not be as long as my last two multi chapter stories, since I don't think I have the energy for that right now.
> 
> I don't know how often I will update this, but I will try to update at least once a week or every couple weeks. This is a bit experimental right now, so I just please ask for your patience. This is something I would still like to write and hope others will enjoy what I've come up with too. :)
> 
> Feel free to follow/message me on twitter as @MsYukari or on tumblr as msyukari. :)


	2. Chapter 2

The drive seemed especially long, and Vera tried very hard not to tell Will to pull over. They had expressed concern over her feeling sick, but that was the least of their problems. She sat quietly, resting her head against the side of the window, closing her eyes.

There was an unsettling tension between the three of them as they drove in silence. She wondered how this happened, thinking about how Joan could do anything but she seriously didn't believe she'd be able to get out of there. Vera wasn't sure if she was frightened or relieved.

_Why would I be relieved?_

Jake kept looking behind them as Will drove, and it made her extremely nervous.

“That car has been following us for a while now.”

Will looked in the rearview mirror, lowering his eyebrows and kept driving. “The car that was there already left. How would it be behind us?”

Vera didn't even want to look behind her, rubbing her forehead. “She dug her way out, I don't put anything past her now.”

“Turn down that road,” Jake ordered.

“I don't even know where that road leads,” Will said.

“If we're being followed, we need to see if they turn down the same road!” Jake yelled.

Vera gasped as Jake reached over and grabbed the wheel, making it turn awkwardly as it started to veer off the road.

“What the fuck are you doing?! Don't ever do that again!” Will yelled as he tried to gain control of the car.

Vera's heart was pounding and she touched her stomach, breathing hard as Will drove a little farther down.

“We need to see if someone is following us!”

“I don't think it matters if someone is or isn't, Jake. Especially if it's _her_ ,” Vera muttered.

Will hit the steering wheel, making her jump a little. “I don't want anyone to know about this, so if we're being followed like Jake thinks, I would like to know. Just don't fucking touch the wheel again, mate.”

Will slowed down, and this time Vera turned around to see the car that had been behind them going in the opposite direction. She breathed a sigh of relief.

“We're getting paranoid and spooked,” Vera said.

“Do you blame us?!” Jake asked. “We were being watched by someone, clearly Ferguson herself, since she somehow dug her way out!”

“That is... if she didn't have help,” Will said as he pulled over to the side of the road, staring at Jake.

Jake shook his head, laughing a little. “You're not suggesting that I helped her? I didn't even fucking know about what you did!” Jake jabbed his finger into Will's chest. “And how the hell do I know _you_ didn't help her?”

“Why would I do that? Why would I help her and then come back here only to dig her up knowing she isn't there?”

“I don't know, I never thought you'd bury her alive. She can be very persuasive if she thinks you need money.”

Will narrowed his eyes. “I wouldn't be so quick to accuse me. I wasn't her lapdog in the last few months. Were you just bored at the time, or did you just want to fuck her?”

Jake smiled. “No... I had an entirely different arrangement with Ferguson. I don't have an attraction to the women who happen to be Top Dog at this prison. You and Proctor happen to be especially close...”

Vera was beginning to lose her patience, which was already very thin. “Enough! Will the both of you just stop?! I'm extremely tired and dirty, and don't even want to remember this night. Can we please just get out of here?”

Vera pushed away from Jake, trying to distance herself from the two of them as much as possible. She needed to worry about herself now, and her baby.

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure you'll be all right?” Will asked as he stood near her door.

“Yes, I'll be fine. I can handle her if she were to show up, Will. I think either of you staying here will only make it worse. I don't know why I think that, I just have a feeling.”

“Let me just search your house,” he said firmly.

Vera nodded, letting him inside. He walked around, searching behind the furniture and inside the closets, making his way down to her bathroom and bedroom. He searched thoroughly throughout the house and the garage, coming back to the living room.

“Everything seems okay, but you call me or Jake if anything happens.”

“I will. Goodnight,” she said as she shut the door.

She undid her bun, and slowly took off her shoes and uniform. Grabbing a glass of water, she downed it as she looked outside her window. She was feeling paranoid so she made sure to lock all the doors and windows. Stepping into her shower, she sighed under the warm water, washing the dirt and grime from her body. Washing her hair and face, she stood under the water and let it relax her muscles. After a few minutes she stepped out, wrapping a towel around herself.

As she got ready for bed, she had the sudden need to check inside her closet. She carefully opened it, squinting her eyes and tensing her body. Nothing was there but her clothes, and she took out her pajamas, slipping into them.

_She's not here. Will already checked, and the doors are locked._

Slipping into bed, she stared up at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep and worried about Joan or whoever it was coming into her house. She was startled when her phone vibrated next to her. Swallowing, she opened it from the unknown sender. It was a picture of her, Will, and Jake digging the grave.

_**Don't call the police, or I will know.** _

_**What do you want?** _

There was no answer, and she felt very uneasy. She wanted to text Will, but as soon as she thought that, she saw another text pop up.

_**Do not call Mr. Jackson or Mr. Stewart, or should I say Jakey? This needs to be between you and I now.** _

Vera bit her lip, knowing without a doubt that it was Joan texting her. _If anyone finds out about Bea and the screwdriver, or what happened with Murphy, along with Joan being buried alive, Joan's theory about a conspiracy against her would look even more likely._

She hated this, but the last thing she wanted to do was poke the spider even more.

_**Okay, it'll stay between us. What do you want from me?** _

_**Look under your bed.** _

Vera felt her heart stop, breathing heavily as she looked around frantically. _How does she know I haven't looked under my bed yet? Surely she can't see me..._

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she moved over slowly and looked under the bed. Her eyes were tightly closed, afraid of what she'd see. Slowly opening them she saw her pips; the shiny gold crowns. She quickly grabbed them, and ran up to her window. It appeared dark outside and she couldn't make out anything. She felt the beginning of a panic attack and looked down at her phone that vibrated again.

_**I told you I'd be coming for that shiny little crown. And Vera... wear something warmer to bed; you'll catch cold.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't really exactly like how I started this chapter, so hopefully that was enjoyable for the most part. I promise you'll get more of Joan later. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Vera's mouth was dry as she stared at the text. Her breaths coming faster, she looked out the window of where Joan could be watching her. There was no one outside, and there were no suspicious cars nearby that she could see. Her heart pounding, her hands were shaking as she quickly shut the curtains of her window. Vera fought the urge to jump into bed and hide under her covers.

_I should text Will. Why am I so afraid of her?_

Vera pulled on her robe, straightened her shoulders and headed down the hall. Opening the front door, the cool air hit her face while the wind gently blew through her hair. Vera walked down her front steps to the sidewalk in front of her house, glancing around her street.

_Maybe I can draw her out..._

The trees cast shadows into the night, making her question any sound and movement. She strained to listen to what could be the sound of an engine running. All the cars around her appeared to be turned off. Biting her lip, she tried to slow and calm her breathing. The phone vibrated in her hand again.

_**Are we having a little late night rendezvous? Most people would go out for coffee or dinner.** _

Vera rolled her eyes as she text back.

_**Where are you?** _

Vera waited for a reply, her eyes searching the neighborhood.

_**Ah, ah, now that is my little secret.** _

“Of course it is,” Vera mumbled under her breath.

_**Do you want money?** _

_**Some of that would help, but that is not my primary goal.** _

_**What is it then?** _

_**That shouldn't be hard to figure out, Vera.** _

_**Do you want to hurt me?** _

Vera waited, holding her breath until it vibrated again.

_**If you do as I say, I won't have to.** _

Vera swallowed, her hand starting to lower to touch her stomach before she thought better of it, shoving her hand into her pocket.

_**What do I need to do?** _

_**As I said before, do not tell Mr. Jackson or Mr. Stewart. Don't tell anyone about this. You will be completely honest with me. If I find out you've been lying about anything, there will be consequences, and you don't want that to happen. Do I make myself clear?** _

_**Yes, I understand. Can we meet? Please.** _

_**Not tonight. Run along now, Vera. It's getting late.** _

_**Joan, if I give you money, will you please just leave me alone? I promise I can help you in some way.** _

_**Are you suffering from brain damage? Money is not what I want most. You'll help me if you do as I say.** _

_**Okay.** _

_**Good girl, that's what I wanted to hear.** _

Vera closed her eyes, remembering when she rescued Joan from her hanging. She always wondered if she'd regret that decision. But letting her die would be wrong, and she'd be no different than Joan.

Vera bit back an angry reply, unsure of what Joan would do or how far she'd go. She saved Joan because it was the right thing to do for anyone, no matter who they were. Yes, there was a side of her that did it to show she was nothing like Joan. She remembered their dinner months ago, saddened and angered by the loss of trust and the feeling of betrayal from the woman she considered not just her mentor, but her friend. Joan pulling her hand away after she revealed her Hepatitis C diagnosis was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

Vera sighed, lifting her hand to rub her eyes as she looked around again, hoping in some way to have an idea of where Joan was.

_**It's too much to talk about right now. Please meet me so we can discuss this in person.** _

There wasn't a response for a couple minutes, and Vera thought maybe Joan wasn't going to reply, but she felt her phone vibrate again.

_**You should go to bed, Vera.** _

Vera bit her cheek, looking around again before she turned back and walked into her house. She searched through her home, making sure Joan wasn't there, or anything else for that matter. Slowly checking under her bed again, she sighed in relief when nothing was there. Lying down now, she pulled the covers close to her, trying not to think about the situation she'd gotten herself into.

Raising her hand to her forehead, she tried to breathe slowly and evenly, knowing that stress and anxiety wouldn't be good for her and the baby. She imagined not being here at all and staying at the beach. Nothing that had to do with Joan, Jake, or the prison. Everything was calm and peaceful. She began to relax, thinking that everything would be okay as long as she was here as she fell asleep.

_Vera walked into her childhood bedroom, glancing down at a crib to find a baby inside. Whose baby was this?_

_Confused, she peered into the crib that had a beautiful baby with bright blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. The baby smiled and looked up at her._

“ _Vera, I'm just going to work.”_

_A man's voice. Vera came out of the room, looking down the hall to find Jake putting on a tie before he kissed her on the cheek. “I'll see you later, sweetheart. Kiss the baby goodbye for me, I'm running late.”_

_Vera didn't have time to respond before he smiled and ran out the door._

_When did he move in? That was never the plan._

_Isn't that what you secretly want? To be a family? Her internal voice asked her, and she shook her head._

“ _Not like this. I can't raise a baby this way, and not with him.”_

_Walking back into the bedroom, she picked up the baby, cuddling it and kissing its forehead as she held it close. Was the baby a boy or a girl? She wasn't sure, and she didn't have time._

“ _Come on baby, let's go for a little drive,” she said as she packed their things._

_As she walked to the door, she stopped dead in her tracks. Dark and cold eyes stared at her before there was a small smile forming on the person's lips._

“ _I didn't know you were pregnanT, Vera. That makes things even more interesting,” Joan said softly. Lifting her hand, she stroked the baby's hair as she took the baby from Vera's arms. “Are you sure you can take care of this baby? You'll go to prison soon.”_

“ _What?! I did everything you've asked!”_

_Joan clicked her tongue in mock sympathy. “You should know better than to believe what I tell you. I'll take the baby now while you rot in prison.”_

“ _No! No, you can't! Don't do this!”_

“ _If only you had listened to me, Vera. It's unfortunate. We could have been the best team.”_

_Vera watched in horror as Joan walked away with her child before the bars of Wentworth slammed shut in her face._

“ _Come back!” She screamed, crying as she banged on the bars._

_Standing in the dark, she looked around to see Joan again and this time she wore the Governor's uniform, staring at her with her hands folded in front of her. Stepping forward she leaned down to whisper against Vera's ear, “I win.”_

_Vera shivered, feeling Joan's leather gloved hand cup her face as she looked into her eyes, her lips curving into a smile. Joan's fingertips touched her tears as she stroked her cheek, and Vera was confused by the warm fluttering in her stomach and the urge not to recoil in fear._

“ _This is what I want,” Joan whispered, now kissing the tears on her cheek. Vera closed her eyes as she felt Joan's lips softly touch her cheek. She desperately wanted the affection; she wanted and needed to please Joan... but not like this. She shoved her away, turning to run out of the prison cell, surprised that it was left unlocked. Running down the corridor, she felt a firm hand tighten around her wrist as she was pulled back, looking back to see Joan staring at her angrily._

“ _You can't escape me.”_

“ _Let me go!” Vera yelled and with a smirk, Joan suddenly let go which made Vera fall onto the floor. As she hit the floor hard, she felt fluid cover her as she slid across the surface, smelling the vinegar and holding back the tears of anger and embarrassment._

_The women began chanting, “Vinegar Tits!”_

“ _Stinky Pants!” Looking up, she saw her mother smiling and laughing at her. Vera couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Reminded of the cruel childhood taunts, she folded her body into a tiny ball, feeling completely alone. A hand stroked her head, and she looked up to see Joan crouching down in front of her, looking at her with some small amount of pity._

“ _You were such a disappointment.”_

Vera gasped, unsure of where she was and realized she was in her room; not the walls of Wentworth. Bringing her hand up to her face, she felt the cool tears on her cheeks. Her lips trembling, she tried to forget her nightmare. Touching her stomach, she breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Jake didn't know about the baby and neither did anyone else. She'd make sure to take care of this baby, and no one would take her child away from her.

She remembered the night before and wondered if it could have all just been a bad dream in the last 24 hours. Grabbing her phone, her face fell at the new text message.

_**Vera, would you want to meet for breakfast?** _

She was annoyed but relieved to see it was from Jake. She ignored it, turning onto her side and closing her eyes. As she was starting to drift off again, she felt and heard the vibration of her phone, sliding her hand over as she grabbed it.

_**Open your door.** _

Vera's eyes widened, knowing that it wasn't a dream and that it was real. Slowly walking over, she grabbed a knife and held it defensively, hesitating before she opened the door.

The woman's height and figure was unmistakable. The neat ponytail loosely tied back, wearing casual street clothes—a navy blue top and black pants. She slowly turned around, wearing large dark sunglasses. She'd never seen Joan wear sunglasses before, and thought it was a little odd, but considering the police were after her, she wasn't surprised. She lifted her hand to take them off, staring into Vera's eyes. She looked tired and stressed, and Vera thought she looked a little thinner than the last time she saw her.

“Hello, Vera. Thank you for opening the door for me. Why don't you put that knife away and we'll have a little chat?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I meant to update this a little bit sooner but other fics took over a bit for Halloween. I struggled a little with also trying to figure out how to write this chapter, so I hope that was enjoyable.


	4. Chapter 4

Vera gripped the knife in her hand, drawing her fingertip along the edge of the blade. Her eyes boring into Joan's who lifted her brow, smirking as she studied Vera. She tried not to feel intimidated by this dangerous woman who was—figuratively speaking—back from the dead.

“I can play these games better than you. I always have,” Joan said quietly.

Vera grit her teeth as she lowered the knife, stepping aside as she held the door open. Joan gave her a smug look of satisfaction as she walked inside. She held out her hand, and it took Vera a few minutes for her to realize that Joan wanted the knife.

“Why should I do that?”

“I don't think you have much of a choice, Vera. Or do you want to go down for attempted murder?”

“I had nothing to do with that!”

Joan flared her nostrils. “Give me the knife. Don't make me shout,” she said in soft but deadly tone.

Begrudgingly, Vera handed her the knife. Joan held it in her hand, licking her bottom lip as she stared at it, and Vera felt a rush of anxiety before she set it down on the kitchen counter.

“You wanted to talk?” She asked impatiently.

“I'd watch your tone, Vera. You should be glad that I'm choosing to speak with you instead of going to the authorities.”

Vera bit her lip hard, so hard she wondered if it might bleed. _I'm trapped._

“I'm sorry,” she said carefully. “I just don't know what your intentions are if you haven't turned me in now. You said you wouldn't hurt me...”

Joan was staring at a photo of Vera and her mother on the wall before she turned back to her. “You are correcT. I said that I wouldn't, but don't make me have to do so, Vera.”

“I had nothing to do with what they did to you,” Vera said anxiously.

Joan stared at her for what seemed like forever until Vera began to feel a little uncomfortable.

“When you were hanged in the yard--”

“Every decision you've made has had consequences, causing a chain reaction of events leading up to this point. One could say you have everything to do with it,” she said coldly.

Vera swallowed, knowing that was partially true but she wouldn't take all the blame. “The reasons for my actions were for the good of the women, and let's not forget who started the fire. If you hadn't made enemies with Smith or the others, this would have been an entirely different situation. But no... you had to win, didn't you?”

Joan's lip twitched, her fist tightening as she lifted it and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “Be that as it may, you caused Bea Smith's death. It was self defense and no one can tell me otherwise. She wanted it; she wanted me to kill her.”

“Not this again! You're insane!” Vera said, exasperated.

“That's what many people say, but you and I both know that if you hadn't let Bea Smith out of the prison, she would still be alive.” Joan cocked her head and sat down at her kitchen table, making herself at home as if she'd been doing this all along. Vera was reminded of the last time Joan was at her house, and she missed the naive frame of mind she had back then. She was so eager to please.

_And you still are._

“I know what you're capable of, Joan. You can't expect me to believe you're completely without fault.”

“Quite the contrary, I know I've made some mistakes but everything I do is--”

“For the greater good,” Vera said as she rolled her eyes.

“You remembered. I taught you well. Isn't that what you've been doing, _Governor_?”

“If I had done that, I would have let you die when they tried to hang you,” she said angrily.

There was a flash of something behind those dark eyes, and Vera swore it was a look of hurt. Joan swallowed, biting her lip as she looked down, and Vera felt some shame at what she said.

“I see...” Joan said softly.

“I-I didn't mean that. It was the right thing to do for you.”

“Oh, so it wasn't your humanity that did it? Was it just another petty victory to prove that you're better than me?” Joan asked venomously, standing up now to her full height as she stepped closer to Vera.

Vera's heart hammered, feeling her mouth go dry as she took a step back. _Where is that knife?_

“I-I d-did what you couldn't do for me during the riot,” she stammered.

Joan was so close to her now, backing her up against the wall. Vera stared up at her, afraid now that she just crossed a line and that Joan would surely kill her. Her eyes frantically searched for the knife, and Joan lifted her hand, holding the knife and showing it to her. She slowly pressed it against her throat and she gulped at the sharp edge of it against her delicate skin.

“Does this remind you of the riot?” She asked softly as she gently slid the tip of the blade along her skin.

“Y-yes, will you please stop?”

“Do you think I wanted that to happen to you?”

“You let it happen.”

“I also did what was right. You being hurt wasn't my fault.”

Vera's lips trembled. “You let them hurt me.”

Joan lowered the knife to her collarbone, her lips now close to her cheek and ear. Vera could feel her warm breath, and her nipples hardened at the close proximity of Joan. How could she be so scared yet so aroused now at the same time?

“You think it was easy for me to watch them do that to you? I wanted to kill them, do you understand?”

“What?”

“They touched you, and I had to watch and I couldn't do anything.”

“You could have opened the doors,” Vera said sadly.

“Yes, I could have done that, but that would have been giving into their demands. I would not negotiate with them.”

Joan lowered the knife, placing it into Vera's hand. “Do you want to kill me now?”

Vera's mouth opened, her eyebrows furrowing as she stared up at Joan. “What?!”

“An eye for an eye,” she said, lifting Vera's hand as she held the knife and aimed it at her heart. “Go ahead,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that! I was a little stuck with writing this part in the last week or so, until I felt more comfortable with how I was going to take this chapter. I'm finally happy with how this turned out after giving some time to think about it. I know this is a little bit shorter than I normally write, but don't worry I'll be posting the next chapter fairly soon. :)


	5. Chapter 5

Vera's hand began to shake. Faced with the choice, she faltered as she pressed the tip of the knife a little bit harder into Joan's chest.

“You have to press harder than that,” Joan said quietly.

_What are you doing?! She'll make everyone suffer if you don't kill her now!_

Vera pressed the knife harder against her chest, making Joan wince.

“What are you waiting for?”

_I can't do this. I'm not a murderer._

“You euthanized your own mother, so you should be able to do this.”

Vera's eyes widened, feeling the anger build up as she looked up into Joan's eyes.

“You should be dead,” Vera whispered.

Joan lifted her brow, her thumb gently stroked Vera's hand as she held the knife, and it suddenly reminded Vera of their last dinner together at Joan's house.

“ _ **I do! I do care!”**_

“You just said that a moment ago but what's stopping you now? Go ahead, Vera. I'm giving you permission to kill me if you so desire it. After all, it wouldn't be the first or the second time you betrayed me.”

Vera opened her mouth, raising the knife up to Joan's throat. Joan's lips formed into a small smile, watching as Vera pressed harder against her throat.

“Do it,” she whispered.

_Do it now!_

_I'd be no different than her._

_How many times will I be a fool?_

“ _ **I do care!”**_

_She doesn't care and she never has._

Vera pressed the sharp tip of the knife against Joan's throat, watching with fascination while the blood dripped down. It was a small prick, nothing more.

Joan's eyes narrowed, the tightening around her mouth the only indication of how she was feeling. Vera saw those dark eyes, and seeing some small level of sadness in them.

“I had such high hopes for us,” Joan said quietly.

Vera sucked in a breath. “What?”

“I guess your good deed will have been in vain after all,” she whispered.

Vera moved the knife away from her throat, resting it against her collarbone. Joan let out a slow breath, closing her eyes.

“ _ **Why did you do it? Whatever happens, your humanity always wins out.”**_

Joan's words repeated in her mind, making her remember the state she was in after she was lynched. The once neatly done hair had been loose and messy, appearing fragile in the hospital gown. The bloodshot eyes and the glaring red ligature marks on her neck.

Vera's eyes lowered to her neck, seeing the blood dripping down her pale skin. Joan's blood. Looking now at Joan's lips, she remembered how she fought to save her with CPR.

_Why didn't I just let her go?_

She thought back to Joan's eyes staring confusingly at her after she'd finally breathed life into her lungs. The weak and terrified but bewildered look in them as she kept staring at Vera. She'd be surprised by the strong urge to make sure Joan would breathe; to make sure she didn't die.

Joan's lips parted, licking her lips as she stared down at Vera. She slowly lowered her hands, pushing Joan away from her. The taller woman had a slight look of surprise in her eyes, lifting her hand as she touched the blood on her neck. Looking at the blood, she held her hand in front of her as it dripped down her finger.

“Why did you stop?”

“I can't... I can't do it,” Vera said, averting her eyes.

Joan sighed, grabbing a towel as she lifted it to her neck. Vera felt confused and stupid, unsure of what that was even about, and why she couldn't follow through.

“And why not?”

Vera lifted her head. “I don't know...”

Joan's eyes searched hers, stepping closer to her again. Vera could feel the heat of her body once more, uncomfortable with Joan invading her personal space but stood her ground. She refused to be intimidated by her.

Joan leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Thank you.”

Vera shivered at the soft brush of lips against her ear, closing her eyes and refusing to look at her. Joan took her hand again.

“Look at me,” Joan ordered. Vera opened her eyes, feeling like she was going to drown in her dark depths. Joan curled her hand around Vera's as she took the knife away. She felt the soft and cool fingertips glide over her hand before she let go. Breathing heavily now, she was confused by whatever that was, and why her body was so warm and tingly.

_Why did my body respond to her?_

Vera could feel her hardened nipples aching against her bra, trying to ignore the burning need to press her lips against Joan's.

_Where the fuck did that come from? I'm seriously desperate to want that. This is worse than when I made up “Adam” as my boyfriend. This is worse than me thinking Jake was a suitable boyfriend. Fucking pregnancy hormones. That has to be it..._

Joan crossed her arms, a faint smile on her lips as she watched Vera. “Are you hungry?”

Startled by the question, she wasn't expecting such an abrupt change in conversation. “You want to talk about food at a time like this?”

“Your stomach was growling,” Joan replied, arching her brow. Vera blushed, realizing how hungry she was. _I'm eating for two now._

Joan moved to her refrigerator, taking out whatever she could find. “I'm famished so we might as well make use of our time.”

“I would rather you just say what you need to say and then leave,” Vera snapped.

Joan turned towards her as she began rinsing vegetables. “Oh, come now, Vera. Don't be such a bad hostess. Is that any way to treat your guest?”

Vera sighed as she stood by her kitchen island. “You're not a guest, and you know it.”

“That's hurtful after what we've just experienced, Vera,” Joan said quietly.

Vera actually thought she sounded sincere. “I'm sorry.”

Joan bit her lip, her lips twitching before she lowered her hands onto the island. “Are you?”

Vera glanced down at Joan's hands, seeing the slight tremor in them. _Why would her hands be shaking?_

“Yes... I am. Let me do it since it's my house.”

Joan shook her head. “No, the first time I came here was to bring you something to eat. Let me cook for you as a reminder of old times.”

“I'd rather do it,” Vera said, grabbing the vegetables Joan had laid out.

Joan placed her hand on her wrist, and Vera tried to breathe as she felt her warm skin. “I'll prepare dinner. I insist.”

“Okay...”

Joan smiled at her, and Vera looked down at Joan's fingers still wrapped around her wrist. The older woman quickly let go, a blush rising in her cheeks as she looked away.

“Uh... do you like pasta?” Joan asked awkwardly.

Vera raised her brow. “Pasta sounds fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed that chapter! I'll try to update next as soon as I can sometime after Thanksgiving. For my American readers, have a Happy Thanksgiving and please stay safe! :)


	6. Chapter 6

Joan squeezed the lemon onto the chicken and pasta, tossing the lemon away before she set the pasta onto the plate. Pouring sauce onto the plate, she smiled at a perfect dish for chicken piccata. Preparing the dinner transported her back in time when she had first arrived to Vera's house to cook for her. It was the first time she'd seen Vera so chatty outside of work, and also the first time she'd met Vera's mother. Vera was so different then, and it wasn't that long ago either, but to Joan it felt like a lifetime. So many missed opportunities. And now, she was back to serving Vera dinner, but it was not as her Deputy but as the Governor.

Joan's tongue slid over her bottom teeth. Vera didn't deserve that position. Not after everything she's done, yet Joan couldn't help but be surprised by her. Vera could have killed her tonight but she didn't. She had every opportunity to do so but she didn't.

_If she was involved in sending me to the grave, why would she spare me now?_

Joan found her contradicting behavior very confusing, staring at Vera as she placed their dishes onto the kitchen table. _First you hope I die, then you save my life in the yard, and then you most likely had a hand in burying me alive. What's going on in that head of yours?_

Vera raised her brow at her, taking the plate. “Chicken piccata.”

Joan took a bite of it, nodding. “It's one of the few pasta dishes I do well other than spaghetti. My father used to...” She trailed off as she thought better of it. She was not here to discuss personal matters from childhood.

“Your father used to what?” She asked, staring at Joan curiously.

“He used to make really delicious Italian food, and I learned a lot from him when it came to cooking. In another life I may have become a chef,” she said quietly.

“What stopped you?”

Joan chewed her food thoughtfully, remembering the times she wanted to grow up to be so many things as a child. Vera would never understand the pressure she felt as a child and young woman when her father was alive. Yes, Vera understood what it was like living with a difficult and abusive parent, but she highly doubted she went through the same hardships. _She won't ever understand._

“Common sense stopped me,” she said as she took a sip of Pinot Noir that Vera had brought out. While it wasn't Shiraz it would do for now. They both knew they needed a drink.

“Oh... I see,” Vera said lamely, and took a longer sip of her wine before she set it down. “Can you tell me what we're doing?”

“Eating,” Joan replied, smiling at her own sarcasm.

“Well, obviously but what is this?” Vera asked impatiently.

Joan sighed. “Can't we just enjoy dinner for now?”

“No! Are you hoping that I'll just let you stay here and we'll forget everything that's happened?!” Vera asked, standing up.

Joan let her throw her little tantrum, waiting for Vera to sit back down before she spoke. “I will _never_ forget, but now that you mention it, staying here with you wouldn't be such a bad idea.”

“No, that's not happening! Do you have any idea what will happen to me if they found out I was hiding a wanted murderer?”

“Always thinking of yourself, aren't you, Vera?” Joan asked coldly.

Vera's mouth opened before she shut it quickly. “I could say the same about you,” she said tightly.

“Ah yes, my choices have definitely appeared as if they're in my own self interest, and you may have mocked me earlier, but I do everything for the greater good. If you'd look inside yourself, you'd know it's true.”

Vera grimaced and shook her head. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Okay, well then tell me something you do know. What happened that night when I escaped? Tell me everything.”

“I-I don't know enough of--”

“Don't lie to me! You've lied to me before so don't do it again!” Joan snapped. “Did you and your precious Jakey plan it along with Novak? Did Will finally man up and decide that he was going to make me suffer?”

“No, I had nothing to do with it,” Vera said, her eyes widening.

“How do I know that?” Joan asked suspiciously. “You've done everything you can to take me down.”

“Why would I save your life out in the yard and try to get you into Protection only to try and kill you later? And why would I still not kill you just a few moments ago if I truly wanted you dead?”

Biting her lip, Joan stared hard at her before she took a few bites of her dinner. Standing up, she paced in front of the table before she turned towards Vera.

“Perhaps it was easier for me to be out of your hair that way. After all, you would never want to look bad. You only want to be the good Governor. It's your reputation you care about, isn't it? How do I know that you just didn't want to see my face as I died. Maybe you were just too much of a coward to do it yourself so you'd rather have me underground where others would never know of my fate. You'd rather I be left to rot, isn't that right?” She asked as she pressed her hands against the table, moving closer to Vera's face. Vera swallowed as she slowly stood up in front of Joan.

She smirked at the smaller woman. “You still look taller in the uniform, but outside of it you're just as small and pathetic as you always were. A pathetic little underling,” she whispered harshly.

Vera's eyes flashed with anger, and Joan felt the painful sting of the small palm against her burning cheek. Lifting her hand, she touched her own cheek as she looked into the shocked and wide eyes of Vera.

“And the mouse has a bite,” Joan whispered, glaring at her.

“Y-you provoked me!”

“Ah... is that what I did?” Joan asked as she breathed evenly, rubbing her cheek.

Vera's hands were shaking and she knew the smaller woman was afraid of her. _She should be._ “Did I just hit a nerve?”

“I had nothing to do with it. _Nothing_ ,” Vera said firmly.

“Then tell me everything that happened. Everything you know so that I can proceed.”

“Proceed with what?”

Joan pursed her lips. “Sometimes I really do think you're deliberately obtuse. I will do what I have to. Whoever ignored my cries and pleas, my screaming... whoever made my fingernails chip and bleed from my efforts to get out,” Joan said, visibly shaking now as she remembered the horrifying and desperate time in the box. “Do you know what that's like, Vera? Being buried alive?” She asked quietly, her voice quivering a little.

“No... I don't, and it's horrible. I'm sorry for--”

“Don't. Just don't, Vera. You will help me bring down my enemies, and the only reason I may not make you suffer is because you saved me out in the yard.”

“And if I don't?”

Joan licked her lips. “If you don't, well it won't be long before you're behind bars, Vera. Maybe we can share a prison cell if I don't play my cards right. Or maybe that is my ultimate goal.” It wasn't what she wanted, but she needed Vera to be afraid of those possible scenarios.

Vera's face was pale, and she lifted her hand to her throat as she began to gag a little. Joan found herself irritated by the sight. “Does the idea of sharing a cell with me sicken you that much? I can't say I'm entirely pleased with it either but--”

Vera held up her hand to cover her mouth and bolted out of the kitchen, and Joan could hear her retching in the bathroom. Crinkling her nose, she washed her hands and covered her mouth with a towel before she stood outside the bathroom. Vera looked pale with a greenish hue and was resting her head against her hand while she sat on the floor.

_She's really sick... I don't think I can deal with this. I need to find hand sanitizer quickly._

“Was it the chicken piccata?” She asked, wondering if her cooking was to blame. _Did I actually give her food poisoning? Was I that careless?_

Vera shook her head, breathing heavily before she vomited again. Joan turned her ahead away and was ready to close the door but something stopped her. If Vera was sick because of what she ate, Joan felt responsible and now she too was wondering when she'd be sick. She shuddered at the thought.

“No... it wasn't the chicken,” Vera whimpered.

“Then you're ill,” Joan stated, cursing herself for touching Vera tonight.

Vera looked up at her, her eyes red and tired as she knelt on the floor. “You say it like it's my fault.”

Joan held the towel closer to her mouth and nose, backing up against the wall. “I'll have to thoroughly disinfect this bathroom.”

“What?”

“You're ill and the only way I'm going to use this bathroom is if I clean it. I will need supplies.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Vera asked incredulously before she turned and vomited again into the toilet.

Joan left the hallway and searched Vera's kitchen and closet for cleaning supplies. She was satisfied when she found bleach, baking soda, and a mask to cover her nose and face. Sliding the latex gloves on, she loved the snap of the latex against her skin. She settled the mask over her mouth and walked into the bathroom. Vera was breathing heavily as she clutched her stomach, and Joan saw that her eyes were watering. Or were those tears?

“Fuck,” Vera groaned.

“Have you been feeling like this for very long?”

Vera stared at the toilet as she flushed it, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “I need water... please.”

“Do you have a fever?”

“Please... I just need some water,” she said as she shivered, her body now trembling slightly. “I have a water bottle in my bedroom,” she said weakly.

Joan nodded, moving to her bedroom. The last time she was in here was when she put the crowns under the bed. Before that, she remembered the smell of light perfume on Vera's pillow when she placed her leather gloves on her pillow, caressing the leather a few times as she lingered there. Joan even laid in Vera's bed so she could imagine what the smaller woman would think when she saw them. Now that she had Vera's attention, there was no going back.

Grabbing the water bottle from the nightstand, she gently handed it to Vera in the bathroom. Vera's eyes traveled over hers, sighing as she took a sip of water. “Thank you.”

“I... I'm... I need you to know that I didn't try to kill you,” Vera said seriously, slowly swallowing the water.

 _I want to believe you... but you've lied to me before. You thrust the photos of Jianna all over my office, and you covered up letting Bea out that day, and then you came close to killing me a moment ago in your kitchen. How will I believe you now?_ Joan wanted to say all of this, but she didn't know how to voice what she realized was not just the feelings of anger and betrayal, but hurt over Vera's actions, and the fear that maybe she'd finally lost her former Deputy for good.

“ _ **I trusted you. I mentored you.”**_

Joan thought of that day often, and it reminded her to always remember just how much Vera could hurt her. The pain behind her angry words as she stood behind her desk and accused Vera of putting the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

“You suffer from anxiety. How do I know this reaction wasn't from some kind of guilt you feel over being involved?”

“No... I just... I-I'm... pre...” Vera stopped, catching her breath before she took another sip of water. “I'm pretty sure if I wanted you dead, I would have made sure it happened. As you said, it wasn't the first time I've killed someone.”

Joan looked into her eyes, raising her brow as she knelt in front of her. “You're pretty sure? That doesn't sound so sure to me.”

“I did not have anything to do with this plan when you escaped to bury you alive. I didn't even know it happened to you. I only thought you escaped and that you were stalking me.”

Joan lifted her hand and placed it around Vera's throat, stroking the skin and squeezing gently. “Tell me who was involved, and tell me who did it. Tell me who ignored my screams as they kept throwing the dirt on the box,” she said softly.

Vera swallowed against her hand, and she could feel the pulse beating rapidly against her fingertips. “I will tell you everything I know. Just let me rest please,” Vera begged.

Joan was reminded of Jodie Spiteri asking her to stop, to let her rest too. Joan's methods of interrogation weren't always... conventional. One could say hers fell into the cruel and unusual. Should she go about similar methods in order to extract information from Vera? Did she have to do what was difficult in order to get the correct information?

“Please... Joan,” she said softly, a tear trailing down her cheek. Joan blinked, surprised by the tear sliding down her cheek. Did Vera think she was really going to hurt her? Joan thought about ways to get information, but these were just thoughts... they didn't have to be reality. But Vera's eyes... the fear in them, and she thought she wanted that but now she was disturbed by it. A lump rose in her throat and she swallowed against it, surprised by her reaction.

_What was that? The tightness in my throat..._

Vera trembled and Joan felt her shiver as she pulled her hand away from her throat, seeing Vera sigh in relief. “I promise I'll tell you everything... just please don't hurt me.”

“ _ **That's because they need to hurt.”**_

“ _ **No... it's because you need to see them hurt. Even as a child you'd hurt things just for the sake of it.”**_

_Does Vera need to hurt? So I don't feel the same hurt. I can't stop the pain and rage from filling inside of me. I hurt._

“Joan... I'm not really sick. I mean I am... but not like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm—I'm pregnant.”

Joan stopped breathing, sitting on the floor as she looked down at her hands as if they burned. “P-pregnant?”

“Yes... I'm pregnant.”

“You're sure?” Joan asked, staring at her in shock.

“Yes, I'm sure. I've been to the doctor already. So please, please don't hurt me and this baby.”

Joan thought of Jianna, thinking of how she didn't want the other women to hurt her and her unborn child. She remembered the rage she felt seeing Warner trying to suffocate baby Joshua.

_I saved a child's life. How can I hurt a baby?_

Joan's breath caught, her voice tight as she spoke. “I won't... I won't hurt you or your child.”

“Thank you,” Vera said.

Joan felt her chest tightening as a new thought came to her. “And the father?”

Vera didn't say anything for a minute, looking at the floor. “He doesn't know.”

“Is it Jake? Is he the father?”

“Yes...” Vera said, closing her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made this chapter a little bit longer than the last two so I hope that was enjoyable! If you'd like to listen to music I did while writing this chapter I'll leave the links below. :)
> 
> Adagio, BWV 974 (originally done by Bach but this is a ethereal remix): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7yJGB_lekQ
> 
> Once Upon a December (from the movie Anastasia except this is also a ethereal remix): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ6buLNIgs8
> 
> Daydreaming (originally done by Luke Faulkner but another ethereal remix too): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9VSvf0QT90&t
> 
> Estampes No.1 Pagodes (originally done by Debussy so I found a ethereal remix for this too. Do you sense a pattern here?): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYAOBhuk4sA


	7. Chapter 7

Vera felt weak, both physically and emotionally. She never wanted to tell Joan she was pregnant, but the hand tightening around her throat was scaring her. Joan was dangerous, and had been slowly losing control the more angry she got. Vera couldn't allow her or her child to be hurt, so she had no choice but to tell her in hopes that Joan would stop. If there was anything good left in her, she wouldn't hurt a mother and her child. At least this is what Vera wanted to believe.

Joan was staring at her with wide eyes, the mask still covering her face. Vera would have thought it was a little amusing if she wasn't so desperate to appeal to Joan's sense of humanity, or any kind of empathy she might have left... if she has any. She swallowed convulsively against the horrible taste in her mouth, swishing the water in her mouth and spitting it out.

She could have sworn she saw Joan's lips twitching under the mask. “Do you plan on telling him?”

“No, I don't want him to know.”

“Hmm... good, he doesn't need to know. Are you going to keep the child? Or have you considered an abortion?”

While Vera did want an abortion in the beginning, and even started the process but was lucky enough to not take the second pill, she didn't like that Joan asked her such a personal question. It was none of her business how she was handling her pregnancy.

“I don't know,” she lied.

Joan furrowed her brow, looking down at the floor now. “He was never supposed to get you pregnant...” She murmured.

Vera sighed. “What did you expect would happen when two people are intimate?”

Joan glared at her. “You could have used protection.”

Vera clenched her jaw. “It takes two people to have a baby, and this is not all on me. What is it to you anyway? You were the one who pushed us together.”

“He wasn't ever supposed to be that careless. A child was not to be brought into the arrangement. It complicates things.”

“The arrangement? You sound like a fucked up matchmaker.”

“He was supposed to make you fall in love with him and then leave you high and dry.”

“Well... that part somewhat succeeded, except whatever feelings I had for him are no longer there,” Vera mumbled, although that wasn't true either. Despite what he did, she still felt something for Jake, or at least the Jake she thought she knew. _He was just playing a game. It was all fake. You must let this go._

Joan shook her head, and Vera wasn't sure why she was reacting this way. She expected something like this from her mother.

“This never should have happened! Why couldn't you have just kept your legs closed?”

Vera gasped, her hands began trembling as she shakingly stood up. “You are going to say that to me after everything you've done?! After everything you wanted him to do, and to start a relationship with me, you want to make this my fault? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Vera was shaking so much, weakly pushing Joan out of her bathroom. “Get out!”

Joan's mask dropped under her chin, and she grabbed Vera's wrists. “What are you doing? Let go of me! You fucking insulted me. How dare you!” Vera hissed, weakly struggling against Joan.

Joan gripped her wrists harder. “You're hurting me. I thought you said you wouldn't do that,” Vera gasped.

“Stop struggling and listen to me. If he--”

Vera wasn't going to listen to any of this, pushing and fighting against Joan until she lost her balance, the taller woman quickly grabbing her and holding her tight. “Let me go!”

“Listen to me,” Joan whispered in her ear, her arms tightly around her. Vera's face pressed against her breasts, and she could feel and hear the heart hammering in Joan's chest, and it was then that she could feel the older woman trembling slightly.

“If he finds out about this baby, he will take him or her away from you. He's the type that will do that, do you understand?”

“He won't find out,” Vera said stubbornly.

“Soon that's going to become harder to hide, Vera.”

“Why do you care?” Vera asked, wondering after all of this why Joan would even care about what would happen to her and her baby. “You've been threatening me and you're blackmailing me. Why do you even care what happens?”

Joan took a deep breath, caressing her back. Vera thought her touch was oddly tender, and allowed herself to feel soothed by it. “Because... I don't want to see another mother have her child ripped away from her.”

Joan kept caressing her back, and Vera had enough of the mind games. She glared at Joan as she stared into her dark brown depths, her own blue eyes blinking back angry tears. “You've all but implied I should have an abortion if he was never meant to get me pregnant! All you've done is say how this is basically my fault. Well, it's not, and I'm having this baby so fuck you!”

Vera pushed away from Joan, and felt the room tip as she swayed to the side. She was suddenly very light headed and felt a firm grip on her arm.

“Vera...”

“Don't touch me!” Vera said bitterly, feeling all her anger and fear consume her as she jerked her arm back. “Get out!” She snapped, turning towards her.

Joan stared, lifting her head high as she stepped forward. “Vera,” she began again, this time more quietly as she slowly walked towards her.

“I told you to get out,” Vera said, panting now while she held onto the side of the wall for support, so light headed now she was afraid she was going to pass out. _Am I having an anxiety attack?_

“Vera, I'm not going anywhere... not yet.” Joan held out her hand. “Come here. Let's get you back into bed.”

Vera stared at her outstretched hand, feeling the need to grab onto her but her mind flashed back to the same hand that jerked back away from her after she revealed her Hepatitis C diagnosis; the same hand that slapped her in Joan's office.

It was the same hand that was just around her throat, and the one that gently caressed her back as she held her only a minute ago.

“I can't... I can't...” Vera mumbled, the room spinning as she felt the nausea start to rise up in her throat again. She heard Joan urgently calling her name just before the room went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to do another little update while my muse was still going! I hope you all enjoyed that chapter. :)
> 
> I listen to music so much while writing but I don't always share what I listen to. So every so often I will. For this chapter I was listening to some of the music from the soundtrack of The Theory of Everything. Here are a couple of the tracks if you're interested.
> 
> A Model of the Universe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_50DcN4RvDc
> 
> Arrival of the Birds (Ending Scene Music): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ3b1a2OnhQ


	8. Chapter 8

Joan only felt anxiety and fear during certain situations in her life; ones that were unfortunately too recent in the last few months. Watching Vera collapse was one situation she wasn't expecting. While Joan would be mildly concerned for anyone she once cared about who fainted, the news of Vera's pregnancy made her worry even more.

_I pushed her too hard._

Rushing over to the smaller woman, she gently laid her onto her back. First aid training taught her to put something under her feet, so she did so and checked her pulse and breathing. Joan's ear felt the light breaths, lifting her wrist and frowning at the moderately weak pulse.

_She needs rest. What have I done?_

“Vera,” she said urgently, tapping her arm and gently shaking the smaller woman. “Vera, wake up.”

Almost a minute later, Vera slowly opened her eyes. “What...?”

Joan gently pushed her back as she tried to sit up. “No, you need to lie down because you fainted. Are you feeling sick or dizzy?”

Vera touched her forehead, taking a few deep breaths. “A little dizzy.”

“Let me get you some water.”

“I’m okay, you don’t—“

“Please, Vera.”

Joan rarely felt guilty, but now she wanted to hit herself for causing Vera emotional and physical stress. She tried to imagine how she could have hurt Vera without even knowing she was pregnant. What if that had happened if Vera hadn't listened to her? Joan didn't want to think about the alternative. She never wanted to hurt others if they didn't deserve it. Shaking her head, she poured Vera a glass of water. She could see that Vera was sitting up now, running her hands through her hair. Joan thought she looked pale and she crouched down to hand the water to her.

“Here.”

“Thank you,” Vera said quietly, watching Joan with an odd look on her face.

“You're welcome. Is that better?”

Vera nodded, drinking sips of it as she set it down beside her. Joan was worried she would spill the water so she reached over Vera, her hand brushing her shoulder and the smaller woman stiffened.

“What are you doing?” She asked anxiously.

“I-I'm just grabbing your water so you don't spill it. I don't want it to make a mess, especially considering your balance might be off.” Joan quickly put the water up onto a table, and sat down on the floor next to her, frowning as she thought about how Vera responded to her just now. She had just told her she wasn't going to hurt her.

Vera nodded, wrinkling her brow as she let out a slow breath. Joan could see her hands shaking a little and frowned. “Are you all right? You're not feeling sick are you?”

Vera shook her head, still staring at Joan as she sat on the floor. “Why are you so concerned?”

“I suppose it would seem contradictory to what you've experienced with me in the last year, but I don't want to be responsible for hurting you or your child. You saved my life before, so I should do the same for you.”

“I'm perfectly fine, Joan. I can handle this myself,” she said as she slowly stood up, staggering a little and Joan grabbed her arm to steady her, feeling Vera stiffen again.

“Hmm... it's true that you don't need Jake, but you shouldn't be alone, Vera. I can help you.”

“Why would I let you help me? You'd be just as bad as Jake, if not worse.”

That remark stung, but Joan knew where the anger was coming from. Pursing her lips, she stared down at Vera as she stood to her full height. “I'm going to blame hormones for you comparing me to that imbecile. I understand you're very angry, but I'm angry too. I'm willing to let some of that go in order to help you because you're not my real target. I'll let you rest, and tomorrow you will tell me about everything that happened leading up to me being buried in the box and after. Do you have a guest room?”

Vera's mouth dropped open. “I never said you could stay here.”

Joan smiled slowly. “No, but I think it's best if I sleep here for the night until we figure everything out. I also want to be not too far away just in case anything happens again. We can't have you passing out alone, can we?”

Vera narrowed her eyes, finishing the glass of water as she pointed down the hall. “Whatever. The guest room is to your right. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed.”

“Vera?”

Vera stopped at her door, slowly turning around. “What is it?” She asked impatiently.

“Where do you keep your blankets, and your toiletries?”

Vera sighed, walking over and heading into the bathroom. “Toiletries and shampoo are in there. If you don't have a problem using my shampoo and conditioner, then you're all set with that.” She approached a closet, pulling out some clean sheets and blankets and handing them to Joan. “These should be enough for you for the night.”

Joan smirked, touching the soft bedding in her hands. “They will suffice, thank you.” As Vera started to turn around, Joan gently grabbed her hand. It was soft and cool, and touching her made her heart skip a beat. It reminded her of when Jianna and Doreen were pregnant, those warm feelings that resurfaced for her whenever she thought of them. _What is it about pregnant women? Vera is attractive, but doesn't look anything like Jianna or Doreen._

“Will you be all right?” She asked quietly. Vera stared at their joined hands, and Joan was surprised she hadn't let go yet.

Vera's eyes were tired, but she also looked confused. “I'll be f-fine.”

Her whispered words were strained with tension and sadness, and Joan couldn't figure out why that was. She decided to stop blackmailing her, and she wasn't going to hurt her. Joan even offered to help Vera so why would she sound upset? _I don't understand._

Furrowing her brows, she stood in the hall while Vera turned and walked into her room. She didn't look back as she shut her door. Joan bit her lip hard, a feeling of rejection enveloping her. She shook the feeling off, remembering what she was here for: to find out information, and to do whatever she could to help Vera. As she made her bed, she felt strange while she laid in it. It was better than where she'd stayed before, and definitely better than the prison bed. Lying on her back, she tried to sleep. This proved difficult with her constant tossing and turning. She hoped she wouldn't have another nightmare of the box, gritting her teeth just thinking about it. She forced herself to think of fencing, and then of Vera being pregnant.

This made her think of Jianna, and she smiled softly, remembering how special that time was. As long as she thought of how happy she once was... when everything was as normal as it could be.

_Jianna smiled at her, holding baby Shayne in her arms. “Do you want to hold him?” She asked. Joan was afraid at first, but didn't want to hurt Jianna so she held out her arms as Jianna gently gave her the baby. He stared right at her, and she smiled as he yawned._

“ _He likes you,” Jianna whispered, stroking his back. Joan smiled at her and looked up to see Doreen, her dark eyes burning with anger._

“ _You're such a freak. Give him to me.”_

“ _B-but I saved him from Warner. I was with you during his birth.”_

“ _Do you really think I care? After everything you've done?”_

_Joan shook her head, holding baby Joshua in her arms. “You know I care for you, Doreen.”_

“ _No, you don't. You thought I was someone else.”_

“ _It's not true,” she said, closing her eyes in frustration._

“ _Give me the baby.”_

_That wasn't Doreen's voice, and she opened her eyes to see Jake. “What do you want?”_

“ _Give me my baby.”_

“ _No, this isn't your child.”_

“ _I'm the father. Give me the baby before anyone gets hurt,” he said as he lifted a gun and pointed it in her face._

_She looked into the baby's face who had Vera's wavy brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. “I'm sorry,” she whispered as she handed the baby to Jake. “Promise me that you won't hurt Vera. She's the mother of your child.”_

“ _She didn't care that I was the father. She can fuck off.”_

_Vera screamed, and Joan held her tightly while he took their baby away. “How could you do that? How could you let him take my baby?!”_

“ _He had a gun! I had to protect all of us.”_

_Vera sobbed, shaking her head. “He'll take my baby away. He said he would!”_

“ _I won't let that happen.”_

“ _You already did! Just leave... just go,” Vera said, sinking down and sobbing on the floor. Joan felt helpless, a tear falling down her cheek. She didn't know what else to do, so she left and didn't look back._

_I've failed._

_She rounded a corner down the street, but she wasn't on Vera's street anymore. It was dark and looked like a prison. Peering around the corner of the wall, she saw the hanging body, and screamed as she rushed forward. Sobbing, she held Jianna in her arms. As she cried against her neck, she raised her head and it wasn't Jianna now... it was Vera._

“ _Vera?” She gasped. “Vera, what happened?!” Vera laid lifeless in her arms, and she knew she was dead. Joan let out a scream of pain and rage._

“ _I'm sorry, Vera,” she whispered, holding her tight. Jake walked past her, holding Vera's baby in front of her. Her lips twitched in anger while he held the baby and smiled, waving back at her._

“ _Say goodbye to Mummy.”_

_Joan saw red as she ran after him, banging on the door that he slammed shut. She yelled and tried to open the door, unable to get through it. “I'll kill you!”_

Joan opened her eyes, looking around her as she breathed hard while her heart beat fast. Sitting up, she couldn't remember what her nightmare was about, but it was frightening and all she remembered was anger and fear. Joan tried to recall her dream, closing her eyes and all she remembered was Vera screaming at her and sobbing on the floor. Joan breathed slowly in and out, feeling a cool wetness on her cheeks. She reached up and paused as she touched her cheek.

_Tears... why was I crying?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me much longer to update this chapter. I got very busy with work and the holidays, and suffered a little with some writer's block. I was finally able to sit down and write so I hope that chapter was enjoyable! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided I'd include the playlist I usually listen to while writing which is the Peaceful Piano Playlist on Spotify.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX4sWSpwq3LiO?si=cLxeNPqLSWSiu7_oj6hcXg
> 
> Hopefully that link works and if not, just look up Peaceful Piano on Spotify if you're interested.

Vera laid awake in bed, having difficulty falling asleep while she thought about the woman in the next room. _What am I doing? This is the stupidest idea you've ever done. I'm kidding myself; this is not the stupidest idea I've ever done. It's only one in a long list of mistakes I've made, and they all seem to center around Wentworth._

Vera tried to remember who she was before Joan Ferguson entered her life, and she didn't like who she was, but part of her missed the simplicity even if it was a very lonely and pathetic existence. Being a virgin back then, and living at home with one's mother and pretending to have a boyfriend wasn't what she had envisioned for herself when she was growing up. She imagined she would have been long out of the house, and married and possibly with children. She had no idea that she'd kill her own mother, that she'd be alone and pregnant with a child of the man who betrayed her.

_I didn't think I'd go against everything that makes me who I am. Some of my actions matched Joan's at times. While not as ruthless, I still wonder what was I thinking when it came to Bea Smith and the screwdriver, and how I blamed Murphy for my own decisions. It's no loss to the prison since she was a poor excuse of an officer anyway. I did what was right. Wow... who do I sound like? This blazer with the heavy burden of the crowns that rests on my shoulders, is just a costume. I'm a fraud. She was right... I really an just a shit kicker in disguise._

Vera caressed her stomach, frowning as she thought of what kind of environment she was bringing this baby into. “A single parent with a lot of baggage, and a snake for a father. I'm sorry it couldn't be more ideal, but I'll do my best, I promise,” she whispered.

What if Joan is right? What if Jake wanted to be a father? If he finds out, would he try and take her child away? He almost took her job, and he already took her heart and stepped on it. She couldn't imagine losing anymore.

_I can't lose to him, or to Joan. Neither of them will dictate my life anymore. I don't care what happens, but I need to protect my baby. But being in prison won't help me or this baby._

As much as her pride wanted her to fight back against Joan, she knew she was stuck. Joan seemed somewhat genuine in her words to not hurt her and her child, but how long would that last? And would she recoil from her just like she did at dinner?

Vera thought back to when Doreen was in labor, and remembered the humiliation and hurt she felt when Joan told her to get out of the room. And even earlier, she could tell she was disgusted by her being sick. It wasn't until she figured out it was because she was pregnant did she somewhat respond differently.

_Why am I letting her stay? If I need to, I could save my own arse and turn Will and Jake in. That would make me a horrible friend to Will, but desperate times called for desperate measures. As much as I don't want him to go down for this, I don't know what I would do if it came between me and him. I guess I'm a little more like Joan than I thought..._

_Then again, I do have a child to think about which changes everything. It's not like I'd do any of that just for my own self interest._

She turned over onto her side, fluffing her pillow and sighing deeply. Closing her eyes, she tried to sleep but all she kept thinking of was that Joan was in her house and knew she was pregnant. That wasn't the only thing she thought about, and other thoughts actually disturbed her.

What she didn't want to admit to herself was that she somewhat enjoyed Joan being there in a very odd way. She couldn't explain it, and maybe she was just lonely, but there was something strangely comforting in what she was used to. Even if it meant the constant sarcastic and heated back and forth between them, it was still something that seemed normal to her.

_I guess I feel comfortable in chaos... I don't know what to think about that._

Joan had asked her if she was all right before she went to bed, which was not a question she was expecting after she responded with such smugness about spending the night, and Vera was overcome with many mixed emotions. Hate for Joan and Jake, but also an odd longing within her. She didn't know where it came from, but she wished Joan wasn't there to complicate things even more.

Anger, resentment, and guilt were a horrible combination. As she tried to find a comfortable position, she couldn't help but think of when it was that things had gone wrong between her and Joan. What had been the final nail in the coffin?

_Joan shakingly held up the picture of a young Jianna Riley._

“ _If you try to use this against me, I will annihilate you.”_

“ _You will... what?”_

“ _I trusted you. I mentored you! You were a... pathetic mouse of a prisoner officer until I molded you into the woman you are today.”_

“ _You molded me?”_

“ _You were NOTHING until I took you under my wing.”_

“ _You used me! You manipulated me. You manipulate everyone. And for what? I know you were behind what happened to Jodi Spiteri. I am equally certain everything Bea Smith claimed about being attacked is true. I don't pretend to understand your intentions, but I do know you are not fit to be Governor.”_

And then came the thing that shocked her the most. The slap that followed after Joan's look of rage and betrayal. Her dark eyes filled with contempt for her. She wasn't sure what she expected. She was still very angry with Joan, but she supposed that maybe, just maybe Bridget and the others were wrong about Joan this whole time. It was almost like she still didn't want the mounting evidence to be true.

Joan really had taken her under her wing and tried to help her. Yes, she manipulated her but it was still hard for her to accept that Joan had used her, and that she didn't care at all.

“ _I trusted you! I mentored you.”_

Maybe she did care... in her own way, even if it was a very sick definition of caring. Definitely sick considering she all but threatened Vera and possibly would have choked her until she realized she was pregnant.

_Why am I even questioning this? She's a horrible woman._

Vera tried not think about what she'd gotten herself into, deciding she would worry about it more in the morning. Stroking her stomach, she thought about what her child would look like. Would he/she look most look like her or Jake or a mix of both? She hoped she wouldn't have to be reminded of Jake, but she'd love the child no matter what. _I will not resent this baby like my mother resented me._

With that last thought, she fell asleep thinking of how happy of a life she would try and give her child, promising to do whatever she could so he or she wouldn't grow up the way she did.

 

* * *

 

Vera breathed deeply, unsure of what woke her up and slowly opened her eyes. It was still dark and she wasn't sure what time it was. She turned her head and froze, seeing a figure standing in the corner of her room. She didn't believe in ghosts, but this one was tall and pale, and it took her eyes to adjust more before she realized it was Joan. That didn't help much either, and her mouth went dry as she stared back at her.

“W-what are you doing?”

Joan didn't say anything, and slowly walked forward. Vera stopped breathing for a few seconds, her heart pounding now in fear. _Is she going to kill me? Why didn't I lock my fucking door?!_

“Please Joan... please,” she whispered, feeling the beginnings of tears and swallowed them back.

Joan stopped in the middle of the room and grabbed something from her drawer. As she came over to Vera, she covered her with a soft blanket.

“I was just making sure you were all right; you looked cold,” Joan said quietly. Vera blinked, completely surprised by this response and watched as Joan walked to her bedroom door. Vera didn't know what else to say, and Joan also looked a little confused and almost embarrassed.

_Strange..._

“Sorry if I startled you. Go back to sleep,” she said as she left her room.

Vera furrowed her eyebrows, getting out of bed and tiptoed to her door. She creaked it open, and saw that Joan didn't go back to her room but into the living room.

_What is she doing awake?_

Vera stared at her door, thinking about locking it. She turned the lock, and quickly got back into bed. As she tried to get to sleep, she remembered how Joan had covered her with the extra blanket for warmth. Throwing off the covers, she crept over to her door and hesitated, shaking her head before she unlocked it.

And the wolf will dwell with the lamb...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to update this a little bit sooner than the last update, so I hope that chapter was enjoyable. :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to read chapter 9 before this one since I updated chapter 10 pretty soon after it.

Joan couldn't sleep. Little bits and pieces of her nightmare came back to her, forming a disturbing vision of Jianna and Vera having their babies taken away by the men she despised. And each time she felt that heartbreak with them, remembering how real it was for her and Jianna when Will took Shayne away. She didn't want that reality for Vera.

_That could have happened if you decided to call the police. I wouldn't have known she was pregnant until after. Of course Vera could have her child visit her, but it's not the same. Would the child have ended up in the system like Shayne was? Going through foster home to foster home, hating his or her life._

“ _My life was shit.”_

Those words still went through Joan's mind, even though she tried to not let them get to her. She _did_ have grounds to take Shayne if she fought it. She was his Godmother so if she tried harder she could have had custody of him. She had the resources and the connections to do so, but she was ashamed to admit that she didn't want that extra burden. Not that Shayne was a burden, but just the responsibility of caring for a child was too overwhelming for her during that time, even if it was Jianna's son.

And there was also the tragic reminder that she was gone. That was something Joan couldn't bear every day; looking into the eyes of an innocent child and having to explain to him why his mother wasn't there.

Her quest for revenge against Will Jackson kept these thoughts at bay. On long, lonely nights these thoughts crept into her mind. _If only Vera wasn't pregnant..._

 _But why should I let that stop me from doing what I need to do?_ Her lips twitched, almost snarling now as she looked out the window of her room. Once Vera told her the details of that night, she could carefully plan how to go forward.

_Control... don't harm her. Gain her trust so she will come to depend on you, just as before._

“ _You manipulate everyone. And for what?”_

Joan quietly opened Vera's bedroom door, and smiled slowly. _I have my reasons._

Vera laid on her side, looking even smaller if that was possible. She shivered slightly and Joan figured she must be cold. She watched from the corner, not moving as she observed Vera. One might find this to be creepy. It's not the first time she's watched someone sleep, but it is one of the few times she imagined slipping into bed with someone. She shared a bed with Jianna when she could, stealing small kisses away from prying eyes.

Biting her lip, she shook her head. She didn't want to think of tender thoughts towards Jianna right now and then apply them to Vera. Even if she did want to walk over and wrap her arms around her. It had been a long time since she'd been intimate with anyone, and even she was not completely devoid of feelings of desire. Even Joan had needs.

Pure physical needs of a sexual nature... nothing more than that. Vera could fulfill that for her, if she so desired... in time that is. She wondered about Vera, why she wasn't with anyone for so long until Fletcher, and even Jake spoke of how she didn't always want to be intimate with him. This was something Joan was curious about, so she intructed him to touch her in the boiler room... in such a way she knew only a woman would enjoy. Even if it was a little kinky, she got a thrill thinking about it. Only a little jealous that Jake was the one to do it. Part of her wanted to be there; to watch Vera come undone to what she had carefully and very specifically instructed Jake to do. He had his own thoughts of what may or may not turn Vera on, but Joan wanted to know if she responded to what she wanted.

Vera didn't disappoint. From there, Joan always felt some form of power over the woman. If only she knew just how far it went between her and Jake, at least where Joan was concerned.

“ _You know what you need, Joan?  
_

_“_ _What's that?”_

“ _A good, hard fuck.”_

“ _And are you just the man to give it me?”_

Joan wasn't attracted to men at all, but she played along with him, enjoying the banter even if he was a pawn. There was something salacious about the words, even though she'd never fuck him even if he were the last man on Earth.

“ _Would you fuck, Vera?” Jake had asked._

_Joan stared at him, slowly shaking her head. “Why would I mess around with such a pathetic woman when I can have you do it for me?”_

“ _Just asking... you sure seem to be fixated on her.”_

Fixated, obsessed... and in some way wanted to possess all that was Vera, including her tears and her smug smiles, her soft laughter. Her beautiful blue eyes looking up into Joan's, filled with anger and passion. Joan wanted to crush that but also bring it out within her just so she could push her against the wall and kiss her endlessly.

Her close kiss of death in the yard made her view Vera a little differently. At least it did for a brief time before she attempted to escape. The anger was gone, and then all she felt was an emptiness. Joan was not one to cry in front of many people, at least not genuine tears. It had only happened a few times in her life, and she knew her eyes were welling with tears while in Medical. She couldn't help but blame herself for the predicament she put both herself and Vera in. But then she saw Will Jackson, and his presence reminded her of why everything had gone wrong in the first place. It all started with him. It would always go back to him.

Vera sighed deeply, turning to face Joan on her side and she watched her, so lost in her thoughts that she almost forgot that she was there.

“Vera, Vera, Vera,” she whispered, so quiet that she almost mouthed it silently. The mouse of a woman who she was so taken with, but so annoyed and angry with. And yet, she was telling the truth at dinner months ago when she said they had developed a rapport through mutual respect and understanding.

Manipulation didn't mean she didn't respect Vera... it just meant that she made sure certain people and events went the way she wanted them to. For the greater good, of course.

Vera's hair covered her face, and Joan slowly walked over and brushed her hair back, her fingertips lingering on the softness of her cheek. Vera slept with her hand over her stomach, and Joan wondered if that was some motherly instinct. She slowly trailed her hand down and covered Vera's hand over her stomach, knowing she was doing this without permission but couldn't help herself. Her curiosity and her need for some kind of connection, no matter how small it was, made her do this.

Joan imagined Vera with a bigger bump, wondering what it would feel like for the baby to kick against her palm just like she'd felt with Jianna and Doreen. The miracle of life was a beautiful thing to witness, even she could not deny that. No matter how messy it was.

Vera sighed softly, and Joan glanced at her as she moved her hand away. She didn't want Vera to wake up with her standing over her bed, so she tiptoed back over to the corner of the room. She knew she should leave, but she still wanted to watch her sleep, if only for a few more moments.

There was something peaceful and so vulnerable about sleep. She could kill Vera if she chose to, or she could protect her and watch over her tonight. Of course she would protect Vera, but she was reminded of how quickly life could end. Just how quickly _her_ life could have ended...

Closing her eyes, her hands trembled when she thought about how close she had been to death. Not once, but twice. She considered herself a strong woman, but even she had her limits. The only thing keeping her going now was to make the others pay for what they did.

_And Vera needs my help... whether she wants it or not. Turn her against them. Destroy her view of Jackson and Stewart. In time she will see things my way._

Vera slowly opened her eyes, and Joan held her breath. She was caught red-handed and hoped that Vera would not see her and go back to sleep. But she did see her, at least Joan thought she did. This was confirmed when she asked her what she was doing, but Joan didn't know how to explain herself.

So she did the only thing that made sense to her, which was to cover Vera with a blanket. She had shivered before, and Joan was still concerned for her since she did faint earlier. Why wouldn't she be concerned?

“Please Joan... please,” Vera whispered, and she sounded and looked so afraid. Joan felt a pain in her chest.

_She thinks I'm going to hurt her._

Joan instead moved over to open her bedroom drawer, pulling out a soft and warm blanket for her. As she covered her with the blanket, she felt a sudden need to hold Vera, if only to comfort her. Her hands twitched with the need to touch her, but didn't want to frighten her more, and what if she pushed her away?

“Sorry if I startled you. Go back to sleep,” Joan murmured, now wanting to get as far away from her as possible. She didn't want to be reminded that she was and always would be... a freak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to update sooner than I have been lately, and I hope that one was nice reading for Joan's perspective. And don't worry, I will continue to the next part as soon as I can. 
> 
> While writing this, I listened to the soundtrack of the movie If Beale Street Could Talk, which was composed by Nicholas Britell. I just saw the movie over the weekend and fell in love with the soundtrack. It helped my writing muse a bit for this, so if you're interested please give this playlist a try. :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhunOJw-Klo&list=PLkLimRXN6NKybu-6CZzragrLZvb4WdwO-


	11. Chapter 11

Joan thought about going to sleep, but there was so much on her mind that she needed to distract herself. So she found herself going into Vera's living room. It was so quiet, the only sound she could hear was the soft ticking of the grandfather clock.

A soft click, and she turned her head in the direction of the noise. _She locked her door. I don't suppose I blame her..._

But Joan was bothered by the fact that Vera felt a need to do that, further confirming what Joan already felt about herself. Frowning, she turned her head towards Vera's door. The pain she felt then was almost the same level as when Doreen left without saying goodbye.

_I thought we had a special bond..._

Touching her throat, she closed her eyes as she refused to think about such meaningless things. They weren't important anymore. She sat down in the chair of the living room, trying to plan and think of what she would have to do next. _Think, think, think... what to do... what to do..._

Another soft click, and Joan raised her brow, squinting her eyes as she gazed down the hallway. She slowly stood up and walked forward. She stood close to Vera's door, listening carefully. She could barely hear anything, but she wondered. _What if..._

“Vera, are you all right?” She softly tapped at the door, reaching down to turn the knob as it slowly opened. Joan tried to hide her smile when her suspicions were confirmed. Vera had unlocked her door. She stared at her a few seconds through the door, knowing that Vera was pretending to be asleep. Her breathing wasn't as deep and steady for that.

_Very interesting... indeed._

_What made you unlock your door?_

Squinting her eyes, she slowly closed it and walked back down the hall. A slow smile formed on her face, feeling satisfied with how that went she sat back down in the chair. It was 3am, and she didn't want to watch anything on TV. Too mundane. Standing up, she turned on a small lamp and walked around the room, taking in the photos on the walls and the mantel above the fireplace. Some of the photos had been removed since the last time she was here. Since Rita Bennett had died. Joan only kept a few photos of her father, so she could understand the need to remove some. Sentimentality was not her strong suit. Yet, here she was now reminiscing about the time her father was alive. Reminded of how hard those first few years were without him, she wondered if Vera struggled with the same guilt and heartbreak. The knowledge of loving and hating your parent at the same time. Feeling the loneliness without them, but enjoying the freedom it brought you.

_I had to do it... I'm sorry, Dad._

She didn't see him anymore, and she wasn't sure if she was more saddened or grateful for this. _Does Vera ever see her mother?_

It was late nights such as these that made Joan think of these things. These thoughts invaded her mind whether she wanted them to or not. She hated introspection for it made her question what she was doing quite often. Joan came across a few books on a coffee table, examining them and shaking her head at the choices. All meaningless self help books. Ones about self esteem and how to deal with life when it gets you down. Of course Vera would be the one to invest in such psychobabble.

_I wonder if Westnull recommended these?_

There was one book about parenting, making Joan pause at the title. _What to Expect When You're Expecting._ Jianna had read this one too, and she was reminded of even when she read some chapters herself, trying to better understand what it would be like for Jianna and her baby. She wanted to show her support that way, and because she secretly wanted to take care of them.

Joan set the book down, and underneath it and a few newspapers was a solid green book. One that suspiciously looked like a journal. _Even more interesting..._

She opened it, intrigued at finding something so personal out in the open. _I knew she was careless, but this is surprising. Perhaps she never thought anyone would look at it..._

Flipping through the pages and the dates, she saw some before she came to Wentworth. Entries that were about how desperately Vera wanted to fit in with anyone at the prison, whether it be officer or inmate. Other entries were about her feelings for Fletcher, making Joan roll her eyes in disgust. Surely Vera could have done better than him. Flipping forward to more recent, she found several that talked about her when she first arrived at Wentworth. Smiling, she already knew that Vera had a desperate need to please her, and was glad to read how important that was to her.

She stopped at a page, lifting her brow as she read.

_**I don't understand what's wrong with me. Joan makes me so angry, yet I still find myself drawn to her. No matter what we end up saying to each other, I still get some kind of high off of it. I used to hope I could get through to her, or better understand her in some way. I used to want to be just like her...** _

_**I used to...** _

_**What I used to do was confusing. Especially while with Jake. How do you explain to your boyfriend that you masturbate thinking of another woman? How do I even explain to myself the times that get me so turned on when I think of Joan's smug expression, and her hair pulled back into a ponytail, staring at me through the bars. Beckoning me inside her cell, and...** _

_**Even now I'm getting turned on just thinking about it. I'm not attracted to her... I just like exploring something a little different because let's face it: Jake is fucking BORING. I might feel safe with him, but feeling safe was never my idea of a steamy love affair. When was the last time he did something spontaneous like the time he fingered me in the boiler room?** _

_**I love him... but I wish there was something more, and I can't put my finger on what that is.** _

_**Don't be stupid, you know what it is you want. The mere excitement of looking into the dark sinister eyes of hers, her full red lips, her long dark hair. Her anger, her power... How she makes you feel like you're alive. And now, I can't even get off unless I think about her. What the fuck...** _

_**I hate her. I HATE HER! I HATE HER FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY! FUCK YOU!** _

Joan re-read the entry again, taking in the way her writing became more sloppy towards the end, knowing how fast she must have been writing and how the last line was written in all caps, emphasizing her anger and frustration.

“And now I know part of what makes you so angry...” She whispered to herself.

Flipping to a few more pages, she found one that was soon after she told Vera about Jake. And for the first time, she felt a little sad at the words she read... especially since some of the words were smudged with what looked like tears.

_**I guess it was too good to be true to think that a man like Jake could fall in love with me. Joan was right, and it hurts even more knowing he was her puppet all along. I guess I can't say I'm surprised. How I didn't see it is the hardest part to comprehend. He was always talking to her. I'm so stupid that I didn't see what was right in front of me.** _

_**And she saw me cry... she saw me cry. She saw me start to crumble there in the corridor, but I wouldn't let her see that. I would not let her get to me, but she did get to me. When I saw her staring at me through the elevator, I knew that it was all true.** _

Joan bit her lip as the next part was hard to read, and she knew it must have been because Vera was crying. She traced the letters with her fingertips, trying to take in the pain that Vera felt at the time of writing this.

_**And what hurts the most, is not that he betrayed me... but that SHE went that fucking far. She was the object of my shameful secret desire. The Joan in my mind was not that vengeful... at least not when she made me orgasm in my fantasies.** _

_**You always had a boring outlook on life... don't try to make this a broken heart over HER. Don't fucking do that. He's the one you love. He's the one that said he loved you... so why am I crying over her too?** _

Joan had wanted her to cry... she loved seeing the welling of tears in her eyes. She wanted her to be in pain. But she didn't quite know that it was also over her, and while she was somewhat upset by this, she was also encouraged. This meant that Vera did feel something towards her, and now Joan could try and make Vera see who she was. It meant that Joan could use this to her advantage. They could both get what they wanted... and what was wrong with that?

She thumbed the pages to around the time that she was lynched, and held her breath.

_**They tried to kill her. I knew it would happen, but no one listened to me. Not even SHE listened to me. She thinks she's so fucking invincible, she thinks she's so impervious to everything. But not even she was to this. I saw her fear... I saw all of it. It echoed my own fear. It was... it was sick. But what was sicker was the time it took me to question whether I should let it happen or not. After all, she got what was coming to her. She once called me careless, but Joan was even more careless to think that the women wouldn't want their revenge for Bea... and for everything else she's done.** _

_**I couldn't be that type of person, even if I thought it would be so much easier without her. She wouldn't continue to torment the prisoners and everyone else... and I wouldn't be tormented by my thoughts of her.** _

_**But I couldn't let Channing be the fucking hypocrite he was. I wasn't going to let Jake tell me what to fucking do. I wasn't going to be who Joan was to me. I wouldn't do to anyone what she did to me... and I just couldn't let her die. Where would I be then without her?** _

_**She told me thank you today... and while I reminded her of what she took away from me, I was still grateful for that small gesture she gave me. Despite being demoted at that time, and after everything she did with Jake, saving her was worth it then.** _

_**Her thanking me acknowledged that I did something useful, that I did something right. She would be surprised to know that I wanted to hug her then, because part of me was just so grateful that I wasn't like her, and the other part was also glad that she wasn't dead.** _

_**Am I selfish to want her alive for my own needs? She makes me feel like I can do anything because she's the only one I have anything to prove to. And me giving her the kiss of life... that can't be the last time my lips ever touch hers. Or will they be? It doesn't matter anymore since it's just a fantasy anyway. They are just thoughts to pass the time... to show that I'm not as boring in bed as she claims I am. Fuck her for saying that... even if it's true. Sadly my only excitement is through her, and I need more. I feel like a junkie needing a fix. What the fuck is wrong with me?** _

_**Everything, really.** _

_**I don't know how much longer she'll have going back into General... the clock is ticking.** _

Joan blinked, sighing softly as she re-read it. _She's so full of surprises, and here I said she was boring in bed. Nothing could be further from the truth after reading that. I wonder if she still thinks of me the same way now?_

“What are you doing?”

Joan lifted her head to see Vera dressed in a robe, her hair looking rather wavy, sticking out in random places because of sleep. Looking at the time, her eyes widened when she could see it was 6:30am, and she was surprised she stayed up all night reading. Vera quickly came over and grabbed the journal out of her hands.

“Were you reading this?”

Joan licked her lips. “Good morning. How did you sleep?”

Vera narrowed her eyes. “How much did you read?”

Joan slowly stood up, resting her hands on Vera's shoulders. “I read almost everything. I skimmed what I found trivial, but I was very intrigued by a few things I read later.”

“You had no right to read it!”

Joan smirked. “There are many things we don't have the right to do, but sometimes we just do them anyway. You should know about that.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Joan gripped her shoulders, feeling the delicate bones under her hands, and picked off a few pieces of lint. She had to see if Vera felt something.

Looking into her angry blue eyes, she studied them for a few seconds before she made her decision, her eyes now traveling down to her lips. Leaning down, she firmly pressed her lips to hers. Vera stiffened against her, and Joan kept moving her lips, loving the softness of the smaller woman. She licked her lips teasingly, and then felt a surge of triumph when Vera opened her mouth more to let her tongue inside.

Joan moaned softly, holding her tightly as she wrapped her arms around her. Vera pressed her body to hers, and Joan wanted to take her then. Pressing her against the wall, she kissed Vera's neck with open mouthed kisses. She left sucks and nips along her neck and throat, hoping to mark her so she'd remember this after. Vera sighed as she clutched her head against her neck, stroking her hair.

Her head lowered to her chest, opening her robe to see her breasts through a thin shirt. She lowered the shirt and kissed the swell of her breast, loving the softness and the heart beating under her lips and tongue. Moving back up to Vera, she kissed her again, lifting her leg around hers as her hand traveled down to her ass.

Kissing her again, she kissed her harder and more passionately, hungrily now that she couldn't get enough of her. Joan focused so much on revenge, that she forgot what it was like to be lost with a woman. Vera stared up at her with hooded eyes and swollen lips. Joan thought she looked so sexy then, and she wanted more. She needed it. Her fingers brushed against Vera's taut stomach, lowering down to the soft curls. Vera moaned into her mouth, now pressing more into her hand and Joan wanted to sink her fingers inside, but instead she teasingly circled her fingers around her clit. Vera shivered, her fingernails scraping her back as Joan touched her.

“Vera,” she whispered, kissing her again, but then she felt a sudden pressure and Vera was pushing against her.

“No! What the fuck are you doing?!” Vera exclaimed. Joan breathed heavily as she was ripped away from the warmth of her body. She could still feel the silky wetness of Vera's arousal on her fingers, and she stared at her a little confused.

“I'm making your fantasy a reality,” she said quietly, lifting her hand to wrap around the back of her neck as she pulled her closer. Kissing her hard again, she needed Vera to see... to feel.

Vera's breasts brushed hers, and she moaned as she arched against her. Joan knew that she would get what she wanted...

“No... no,” Vera rasped, pushing Joan away again.

Joan felt the resistance then, feeling a little frustrated. “Why are you stopping? You want this.”

“You don't know what I want.”

Joan shook her head. “Your journal said otherwise. And I should say, so does your body. It's just me and you now... don't be afraid,” she whispered, moving closer to stroke a loose curl behind her ear.

Vera searched her eyes, stepping back away from her and crossing her arms. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“You seemed to enjoy it.”

“I didn't! I was just—I just...”

Joan lifted her brow. “You were just moaning and pressing against me. I could feel how wet I made you. Are you going to blame pregnancy hormones for that?”

“Fuck you!” Vera angrily pushed at her again, and Joan almost smiled at her defiance.

Joan shook her head, grabbing Vera's hand as she started to walk away. “Let me go!”

“You know I'm right,” she said as she pulled Vera closer to her. Kissing her again, she whispered against her lips. “Am I your drug?”

Vera sighed, weakly pushing away from her. “I'm going back to bed.”

Joan watched her leave, feeling her body hum with arousal. She quickly moved to the guestroom, and stripped off her pants. She slid two fingers inside her, needing to be filled as she imagined what she'd do to Vera. Pumping her fingers inside, she arched her back against the bed, seeing Vera's beautiful blue eyes while she climaxed. She covered her mouth as she moaned, whispering Vera's name into the disappearing darkness.

_I hate what you do to me... I love what you do to me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much of a slow burn as I want this story to be, I also don't want it to be super slow burn either. Hopefully people enjoyed reading that. ;)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask and you shall receive! Decided to update this sooner than planned since a few readers mentioned they wanted more and fast lol. For that reason the length is not as long as the previous chapter, but I wanted to give you guys something. ;)

Slamming her door, Vera stalked into her bedroom. She grabbed her pillow and screamed into it. As she walked into her bathroom, she saw that her skin was flushed, her lips red and swollen. She sighed when she could feel the warm wetness between her thighs, the annoying evidence of what just happened out there. She ached with need, wanting nothing more than to grab a vibrator and press it against her clit. She had to use it the last few times since she was with Jake, so it had come in handy.

Closing her eyes, she rested her head against the wall. _No matter how much I want to touch myself, I will not allow her to make me feel this way. Joan in the flesh is a lot different than my version of her. She's so... god she's so fucking sexy it's driving me insane._

“Fuck.”

She needed to take a cold shower. Turning it on, she undressed and pressed herself under the spray and yelped at the cold temperature. It was easier this way, to numb herself to the heat she already felt. But she couldn't stand under this for too long, so she quickly turned up the temperature. She felt some relief as her desire faded away as she concentrated on the water that hit her face, and began washing her body. As she caressed her stomach and breasts, she paused and imagined other hands caressing her. Remembering the taste of the lips of the woman she had been kissing, she felt her resistance crumbling.

_Shit._

She circled her nipples, teasing them and then lowered the detachable shower head to where she needed it. It massaged her wet lips and clit, and she angled it so it hit her clit in just the right spot. Pressing her hand against the wall, she braced herself as she felt her orgasm building. The water massaged the sensitive area, making her gasp while her legs trembled. Intense dark brown eyes flashed in her mind as she came.

Vera breathed heavily, licking her lips. She was a little shocked at her behavior, continuing to wash her body and her hair. Rinsing her body of whatever that was. As she reached over to turn off the water, she felt a wave of dizziness. She steadied herself and opened the door of her shower, suddenly feeling the surge of bile go up her throat and quickly moved to the toilet. Tears leaked out of her eyes while she vomited, feeling like there was nothing left in her stomach. She was shaking, brushing her mouth with a washcloth.

She wasn't sure if she could get used to these sudden bouts of nausea. Vera grabbed onto the side of her vanity as she lifted herself up. Pulling a t-shirt over her head, she got back into bed and pulled the covers up to her chin and closed her eyes.

As she drifted off to sleep, she could have sworn someone was stroking her hair.

_How nice..._

She wasn't sure how long she slept, but she was jarred awake by her cell phone ringing. Opening one eye, she saw that Will was calling her.

“What is it, Will?”

“I'm sorry I know it's your day off, but we have a Code Black and--”

She sighed. “I'll be right there.”

She clutched her stomach, no longer feeling sick but still feeling a little raw. She brushed her hair and teeth, twisting her mouth at the taste from earlier.

_I should have brushed my teeth after..._

Pulling on her uniform, she straightened her shoulders and stared at the gold crowns. Tying her hair into a bun, she quickly walked out of her bedroom.

_If I can just get by without her knowing I'm leaving._

She quietly walked down the hallway and into her living room, bending down to grab her heels.

“Leaving so soon?”

Vera gasped, raising her hand to her heart as she stared at Joan sitting in a chair. “You startled me!”

“My apologies. You're not using the prison as an excuse to avoid me are you?”

_Yes, I am. So what?_

“No, I'm not. There's been a Code Black and I need to get there ASAP.”

“You really ought to take care of yourself, Vera. If you become sick at Wentworth, how are you supposed to be an efficient Governor?”

Vera glared at her. “I don't think you should be talking to me about how efficient I am. I'm perfectly capable of doing my job, which was a lot better than you did before.”

Joan's eyes went from soft to hard and Vera saw the tightening of her jaw. “Yes, I remember everything you said about me before. Yet, you're wearing the pants and still have the bun, even if it is a little _small_. Funny how much we tend to emulate others around us, isn't it?”

Vera was caught, knowing exactly what Joan was talking about when it came to how Vera dressed and conducted herself.

“I need to go.”

“You do remember the conversation you promised me?”

Vera sighed. “Yes, I do but there are more pressing matters at the prison. It'll have to wait.”

Joan gave a little half smile. “K. I can be very patient. As you can tell, I was very patient last night as well. I'll wait for you.”

Vera took a deep breath. “Last night never happened.”

Joan narrowed her eyes, standing up and walking closer to Vera. She stood so close now that Vera thought she was going to kiss her again. Joan lifted her hand and Vera flinched, expecting a slap but slowly opened her eyes as Joan caressed her cheek. Her fingertips slowly traced down to her neck. Vera held her breath, staring at her as she gently circled a spot on her neck.

 _Is she going to kiss me?_ One half of Vera was afraid she would, and the other half was afraid she wouldn't. _Fuck._

“Vera, I think the hickey on your neck proves that it did happen. You may want to cover it, unless you want to make good old Jakey jealous,” she said, smirking.

Vera gasped, grabbing a mirror out of her purse and seeing not just one, but three. “What the fuck, Joan?! You did that on purpose!” She touched the one that appeared just above her collar. ”How am I supposed to cover this one?”

“Hmm... you'll figure it out.”

She groaned. “This is never happening again, do you hear me?”

Joan nodded, a serious expression on her face. “I understand.”

“I mean it. As soon as I tell you what you want, I want you out of my house!”

Joan pursed her lips, smiling slowly. “Of course, Vera. You give me what I want, and I'll give you what you want. Quid pro quo.”

Vera raised her brow, remembering the same thing that Joan said to Bridget when she was first given a psych evaluation.

“Yes, whatever. We'll talk about it later. I need to go,” she said as she rushed out to her car.

“See you soon,” Joan called and smiled at her as she closed the front door.

Vera stared at her neck in the rearview mirror, trying to cover up what she could with makeup that couldn't be covered by her collar. It was annoying but... why was she turned on by it at the same time?

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that chapter! I'll try and write the next one as soon as I'm free. :)


	13. Chapter 13

Sitting on the hospital bed, she rubbed where she'd struck her head on the floor. If only today had been easier. Two deaths happened today. A drug overdose, and a murder. Connors had beaten Dragovich to death. She knew this would not bode well for her. Well, for either of them really. For Connors she'd receive a much longer sentence, and for Vera it was a continuous reminder that she wasn't on top of things. No matter how many times she tried to do something right, it would unravel later. Vera could somewhat begin to understand Joan's hard attitude towards some of the prisoners.

Except Vera had no desire to rule with an iron fist.

No, she would have to focus on being the exact opposite of Joan. Even more so now with Joan in her house.

_Why am I so worried about that? She'll leave soon._

Perhaps because some small part of her didn't want Joan to leave. It's funny how things turned out that way. She found herself at the same crossroads she was months ago.

“ _ **You could have had me out of your hair.”**_

_I didn't fight harder to get her moved out of prison, and I didn't let her hang. Even last night I could have stabbed her but I didn't. I could have forced her out. I could have denied her sexual advances, and yet I wanted it. I wanted it so badly as soon as her lips touched mine. And she knew it. She fucking knew it. And that's why I can't let her win._

She was thinking so hard about her situation at home, she didn't hear the door open. She felt her heart sink at seeing Jake standing there in front of her. He looked concerned, and a little shocked. _Why would he care?_

“You're pregnant.”

_Well, shit. Of course he'd know that I’m pregnant. They must have assumed we're together. Fucking hospital. Why now? Why do I have to deal with this now on top of everything else? I'm so tired..._

“Is it um...?”

“Of course it's yours.” _Who else would be the father? You're the only one I've been with. You're the only one I trusted enough to sleep in my bed, to share my home... to be intimate with me. I was so stupid._

She let out a deep sigh, knowing she'd have to deal with this. With him.

And he smiled, that sickeningly sweet smile of his. The one that always made her smile in return.

“I don't know what to say. That's amazing! I wanna be a proper dad. I won't let him down... or her. I mean, do you know? Are we having a boy or--?”

“There's no 'we', Jake. I'm having this baby on my own.”

He sat down next to her. “You don't have to be alone.”

He took her hand, holding hers in between his larger ones, and he stared into her eyes. He was so earnest as he said, “We can be a family.”

And that's when she knew that this was going to be difficult.

“A real family.”

How she longed for so many years for a real family.

“Please, just think about it. I know we could make it work.”

He thought it would be that easy. That a child could be the one thing that would bring them back together. Maybe at an earlier time, she would have done that. But now... now she would not. She was tired of getting hurt by others in her life. She wouldn't allow her child to be hurt by the same man who lied to her face all these months.

_I want you to feel the same pain I did, but worse._

“You know I was going to punish this baby for things you've done. I swallowed an abortion pill. I was this close to ending it, and then I realized that it's you I hate.”

He let go of her hand, and she could see the shock and hurt on his face, the confusion that she would do something like that.

“You'll never be a part of this child's life.”

Was he going to cry? She almost wanted him to, just so she could refuse him. But she also didn't want him to, because then she was afraid she wouldn't be able to say no to tears and pleading. Thank god he didn't in that moment. She wasn't sure what would have happened if she allowed herself to feel sorry for him.

“ _ **I want to be a proper dad.”**_

_Maybe you could have been, if you hadn't fucked things up. And that's the tragic part of it. You're the one who forfeited the right to your child's life._

He walked out of the room, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she looked at her cell phone. It was much later in the day, and she saw a text from Joan.

_**I'm waiting.** _

She rushed out of the hospital, telling the staff that she needed to be home as soon as possible. Not only because she felt pressured by Joan, but because she just needed to be away from here.

 

* * *

 

Vera was glad she didn't have a concussion, but she had a splitting headache. As she walked through her door, she gingerly moved while she took off her jacket. She was sore in places she didn't even realize, staring now in the mirror at the growing bruise at the side of her head. She closed her eyes, moving to sit on the couch in her living room.

“Vera, what happened to your head?”

She groaned, shaking her head as she put her head in her hands. “It was a long fucking day. A fight happened, and well, this was the result of it. I seem to be everyone's punching bag these days, even if it was done by accident in the heat of the moment.”

Joan traced her fingertips along her forehead and down to her chin, making her look at her. “Who did this?”

“It doesn't matter. Everything happened so fast and someone ran into me and I lost my balance.”

Joan's lips twitched in that way that Vera knew she was feeling angry.

“That can't be good for the baby.”

“The baby is fine. I went to the hospital after, and everything is fine.”

Joan shook her head. “No, it's not. What else happened?”

_How the...?_

“Just the usual day in and day out of the prison, Joan.”

“You're lying, and not very good at it.”

Vera bit her lip. “That's funny that you can tell I'm lying now, and not when I was telling the truth a few months ago when you slapped me. And why should you care that anyone could have hit me? You didn't care back then. You didn't even listen to me.”

Joan narrowed her eyes, looking down and clearing her throat as she licked her lips. “I wasn't in my right mind then. I was paranoid and suspicious of everyone and everything. You would have been too if you opened your door to see all the pictures of...”

Joan paused and swallowed, and Vera could just barely see her lips tremble. “It doesn't matter now,” Joan finished quietly.

Vera knew that the death of Jianna Riley had been extremely difficult for Joan, and she hadn't known just how much it was until she visited her in the psychiatric hospital. When Joan was heavily drugged, she talked about her, crying over the woman she loved and the baby that had been taken away.

Vera was oddly satisfied in knowing that Joan could be broken by such a tragedy. It made Vera feel that she was human in some way. But also thinking of Joan as such made her feel empathy for her, and that much she didn't want to feel. Because once she felt empathy, she started to understand more about her, even if Joan did some of the most horrible and evil things.

Could you truly understand a sociopath? And was she a sociopath? All the traits pointed to her being the poster child of the definition of one. But she'd seen Joan cry and so emotional at times, she wondered where she drew the line on the side of her vicious behavior and her humanity?

_All villains have a beginning, I suppose._

Vera smirked. _Now, I'm thinking of her like some fictional character. No, this is reality._

Vera sighed. “When I went to the hospital, they thought I might have a concussion. I hit my head pretty hard, so Jake was called. They assumed he was my partner, and told him that I'm pregnant.”

Joan pursed her lips and sat down next to her. “And what did he say?” She asked cautiously.

“He wanted to be a 'proper dad', he said.” She laughed without mirth. “And I had to tell him that he would never be a part of my child's life.”

“Good. That's good,” Joan said, looking relieved.

“No, it's not good. He could have been, if you hadn't told me what he did,” she said angrily.

Joan's nostrils flared. “Would you rather live in denial, Vera? Would you rather stick your head in the sand and pretend to ignore all the evidence that pointed to Jake?”

“It's what I did for you... for a while,” she said softly.

“For me?”

“I questioned everyone about how you refused to open the door during the riot. I couldn't believe you would do such a thing. I didn't want to believe it. I even got mad at Bridget for trying to warn me about you!” She said, feeling so frustrated now that she was always the last one to see anything for what it was.

Joan shook her head. “You still blame me for the riot. I'm not the one that held the needle to your neck, Vera. They did that! Gambaro did that to you!”

Vera's eyes widened at Joan's harsh tone. “Yes, but you--”

“I did everything I could to try and prevent anyone from getting hurt. Stop blaming me for that incident. It was never my fault for what _they_ did to you.”

“No, it was just my carelessness, right?” She asked sarcastically.

Joan breathed slowly and evenly as she looked at her. “You can feel angry about what happened. You have every right to be, but that doesn't mean I never cared. This was months ago. It has nothing to do with now.”

Vera sighed. “The point is that I trusted you too, Joan.”

Joan grit her teeth, lifting her hand to rub her eyes. “Yes... yes, you did,” she said quietly, so quiet that Vera almost didn't hear her.

Vera held back her tears, biting her lip to keep it from trembling. “And now, I don't know what will happen. I'm all alone.”

“Don't say that. You're not alone. I'll protect you.”

Vera wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. But what other alternative did she have?

Joan placed her hand over hers, and Vera felt her skin tingle, her body responding to the touch. She felt at a loss when Joan pulled away and left the room, and she closed her eyes as she thought about what she was going to do.

“Here,” Joan said softly and Vera opened her eyes as Joan pressed a bag of ice to her temple. “This should help reduce the swelling for now.”

“Why are you doing this? Why do you want to protect me?”

Joan looked surprised by the question. “Do you think I'm some kind of monster? That I would allow you to be completely alone and vulnerable during this time?”

“I was doing perfectly fine without you.”

“Hmm... yes, so fine that you fainted last night, and then hit your head on the floor and almost suffered from a concussion. And you wonder why I've always questioned your judgment? You know very well that you've just been floundering in that position without me.”

“That's bullshit,” she scoffed.

“You know I'm right. You just don't like admitting it, just like you don't like admitting your attraction to me. What was it you said in your journal? That you weren't sure how to explain to your boyfriend that you masturbated thinking about me?”

Vera gasped and blushed. “That was one time! I-I-I was trying to imagine a more--”

“Did you need someone to be more in control for your fantasy?” Joan asked, smiling slightly.

Vera's mouth dropped open. “I can't believe you'd even--”

“There's nothing wrong with wanting that, Vera. After all, I do love being in control. I'd have no problem being the one to do that for you.”

Vera knew she was blushing furiously, feeling it reach up to her ears as Joan continued. “I used to think you were rather vanilla, Vera, but now I can see that you're just waiting for someone to take you under their wing. We'll have plenty of enough time before the baby if you'd like to explore that...”

“No! No, why would you even suggest that?! You're such a mind fuck, you know that? I can't even believe I'm still talking to you.”

Joan smiled slowly, stroking her cheek and sliding her finger slowly down her lower lip, making Vera shiver slightly.

“You feel that? You want this, so it's best to not fight it.”

Vera resisted the urge to grab her and kiss her, feeling so frustrated over how Joan was able to see right through her.

“It wouldn't be good for the—for the baby...” She finished lamely.

Joan raised her brow. “Actually, it's quite the opposite. It can be good for you and the baby. Just think about it,” she whispered into her ear before she walked away, leaving Vera feeling completely confused and aroused... again.

“Goddamn it,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly happy with the way this chapter turned out, so if it seems all over the place, sorry about that. I think I personally was feeling all over the place while writing it. Hopefully it's still enjoyable though. :)


	14. Chapter 14

Joan knew that she was getting to Vera, and she enjoyed every second of it. Not only because she could tell that it made Vera uncomfortable, but because she knew Vera was responding to her flirtation. It was rather intriguing to know that Vera was attracted to her, and it was something that Joan liked very much. It made things easier for her, to be able to see she was right all along. She knew how to soften that military edge; she knew how to best work Vera because she knew what she most wanted.

Vera wanted attention, but she especially wanted to be loved. Of course, she wanted to be fulfilled sexually, and Joan remembered what that was like for pregnant women. Something that Vera already demonstrated recently...

There was a softness to Vera, a need to please, and a need to follow. This was something Joan liked from the very first moment she met her.

“ _ **This job's important to you, isn't it Vera?”**_

“ _ **Yeah.”**_

“ _ **I'm very impressed with your work ethic. Corrections need more people like you. I read somewhere that you'd been passed over for promotion several times. That must be frustrating for someone with your... potential.”**_

“ _ **Well, wish the department saw it like that.”**_

“ _ **You just need a mentor. I'm a great believer in succession planning.”**_

“ _ **I'd really appreciate that.”**_

“ _ **You stick with me. We'll achieve great things together.”**_

Joan smiled wistfully at the memory. It seemed like such a long time ago when Vera used to look at her with complete awe and admiration. Very few appreciated Joan in the same way Vera did then. Very few showed the same amount of loyalty.

How sad it was when that loyalty was severed. Vera was afraid that going to visit Fletcher would hurt her feelings, but she'd never know how much it hurt when she blamed her for the riot. Joan didn't shed tears very often, but she had that night after Vera left her home.

So it was odd now that she found herself living with her, even if it was temporarily. It had been a couple months, and she took advantage of Vera being too busy and tired to do much about Joan. She of course made sure she was always attentive to Vera's needs, and she could tell that it was something that Vera begrudgingly appreciated.

And of course, there were the times she would brush by her and touch her shoulder or hip, making Vera blush. Joan made sure to touch her in subtle, lingering ways to remind Vera of what they could have. She didn't go beyond that, because she wanted Vera to be the one to come to her. She wanted Vera to be so desperately in need of her touch that she would ask Joan for it. It would only be a matter of time before she did...

“Vera, are you feeling all right?” She asked softly, watching the younger woman press her hand against her forehead. She had been watching Vera after she came home from work, and she was concerned that maybe she wasn't allowing herself much rest.

Vera still kept her hand over her forehead, rubbing it again before she looked at Joan. “I'm fine, just it's a lot to deal with being both pregnant and the Governor at the same time.”

“Hmm... maybe you should take some time off, Vera. Give yourself some time to rest.”

“Why? So I can spend more time with you?” She asked sarcastically.

Joan narrowed her eyes. “That wasn't what I had in mind, but I suppose that would be the result. You know that you can tell me to leave. Yet you haven't. Now why is that?”

Vera chewed the side of her cheek, pursing her lips as she stared at Joan. “You know, I think it's time we talk about that night you were buried.”

Normally Joan wouldn't allow Vera to get away with not answering her question, but she allowed it, knowing this was something she'd been waiting for. “All right...”

Vera took a deep breath. “Will told me recently that it was Novak who had been planning on escaping. He was supposed to just take you away from the prison, but he knew that you'd just come back, just like you always do. So... he decided that he wasn't going to make the same mistake he did before.”

Joan listened intently, her blood boiling as she gripped the arm of the chair she sat on.

“The same mistake?”

“The night he saved you from the fire. He could have let you burn, and he didn't. He made sure that you weren't ever going to come back... or so he thought. He wanted you gone. They all did, Joan.”

“Did Jake know this was happening?”

“He knew that Will was transporting you, but he didn't know that Will buried you alive until later. I was the last one to know. They had to convince me that you were actually dead... and that's when...” She trailed off.

“That's when we found out you were alive,” she said quietly.

Joan breathed slowly and evenly, looking away now and thinking of how this didn't sound scripted at all. Vera was most likely telling the truth about all of it.

“Did you wish I had been in that box?”

Vera stared at her, now looking away. “It might have been easier if you had been, so then no one would be in this predicament. If I had let you hang, Will wouldn't have had to do what he did, so maybe that's my fault.”

Joan's nostrils flared, gritting her teeth. “Well... at least you're honest,” she said tightly.

Vera raised her hand. “I haven't finished yet. I saved you for a reason out in the yard that day. I was... relieved you weren't in that box. I shouldn't have been relieved, but I was.”

Joan felt a lump in her throat, not understanding why she felt the need to cry. She cleared her throat, speaking in a low voice as she swallowed against the lump in her throat.

“I screamed until I couldn't anymore. I cried... and I pleaded for someone to let me out. Will ignored all of that. He wanted me to suffer. I found a drawing of Bea above me, so I knew that Novak was somehow involved.”

Joan lifted her hands, staring at them. “My fingers bled from trying to open the box. Chipped fingernails, and dirt that filtered in through cracks after I tried to kick it open.”

Vera's eyes were wide as she looked at her. “I somehow managed to dig my way out, despite my growing panic and fear.”

“I can't imagine,” Vera whispered.

“Remember that day you asked me if I had been raped?”

“Yes...”

“I was raped, and I just moved along. I waited until I could take the appropriate action against my rapist. I waited a very long time.”

“Joan...”

“I'm not going to continue waiting... not that long.”

“Are you going to kill Will?” Vera asked quietly.

“What would you do if you were in my position?”

Vera shook her head. “I don't think I can answer that.”

“Think harder. What would you do if the same thing had happened to you?”

“I'd want... justice,” she whispered.

“We're not so different, you and I,” Joan said, a tear escaping down her cheek.

Vera stood up, walking closer to Joan and cupping her face. “No, we're not,” she replied. Joan closed her eyes as Vera pressed her lips to hers, knowing that she was allowing Vera to see a side of her without manipulation and deceit.

Vera kissed her again, more passionately now before she pulled back to look at her. “That's why I haven't wanted you to leave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me longer to update for this story. I was trying to figure out how to best write this chapter for a little while. Hopefully that was enjoyable.


	15. Chapter 15

Vera stroked her stomach, glancing down at the small bump that had formed after four months. She was definitely noticeably pregnant now and even the prisoners snickered and made jokes about how Vinegar Tits was knocked up. Only a few of the women asked her genuinely how she was and what she wanted to name the baby.

“Do you hope it's a boy or girl?” Kaz had asked her, smiling gently at her in her office. She'd had a discussion with Kaz about how to best keep the women in line, and normally she wouldn't allow such a personal question to be asked but she had very little friends these days that were female. Other than Joan, if one were to call her a friend, and that was extremely secret. She tried to keep in touch with Bridget but she and Franky had decided to move away into the next city. She was happy for her friend, and for Franky too but she missed Bridget and her gentle tone and demeanor. She always knew how to say the right thing.

“ _If you ever need me, all you need to do is call. You're my best friend, Vera. Please take care of yourself.”_

That was the last time she saw Bridget before she left, hugging her and waving goodbye to her friend. If it wasn't for Joan being with her, she'd feel so alone.

Speaking of the devil, she felt a hand touch her back before it came around to rest on her stomach, stroking it gently. Joan's lips brushed her neck in a soft, tender kiss and Vera smiled.

“What do you want for dinner?”

“I'm not sure. What would you like?”

“I'm not the pregnant woman with insane cravings, so tell me what you'd like,” Joan said, turning her head to stare into her eyes.

“My cravings haven't been that crazy.”

“Hmm... I beg to differ. How about some roast chicken. I'll cook it while you can prepare the vegetables,” Joan said, kissing her and slipping away into the kitchen.

It had been a month since she'd admitted to Joan that she wanted her to stay. A month of awkward but surprisingly nice times together. She'd taken care of her, now affectionate with her in a way that Vera was shocked by. They'd slowly been getting to know each other in new ways, deciding that their physical relationship still needed time, but that didn't mean they couldn't kiss and caress each other.

Vera often daydreamed about Joan grabbing her and pushing her down onto the kitchen table, sighing softly and smiling at the fantasy of the taller woman completely ravishing her. Joan caught her eye and smiled, making Vera feel like finally she'd done something right regarding their relationship.

“Vera, I was thinking maybe you should consider working part time at the prison.”

“I'm the Governor, I can't do part time. I'm not that far along that I need to not be working the same amount of hours.”

As Joan prepared their dinner, she didn't respond back to her, and Vera knew that they might get into an argument. The older woman ate and gracefully wiped her mouth with her napkin, looking at Vera.

“What?”

“Vera, you being pregnant and at the prison worries me. Many of those women are sick. Just think about Warner and what she tried to do to Doreen's baby.”

“I know, and I'm sorry I made light of what you did. You saved his life.”

“No one ever remembers that part,” Joan said quietly.

The gentle way in which Joan touched her at times and feeling her stomach, made her realize just how sensitive the woman was, how protective she was of the innocent. Despite all her flaws, she had a moral code when it came to women and children.

“I'll be careful, and when it gets closer to me having the baby, I'll go on maternity leave.”

Joan's lips twitched. “You should be part time eventually. It's too much stress on you and the baby in that environment. And Jake...”

The mention of his name made both them wince, and Vera sighed. “What about him?”

“He's with you all the time, and I don't trust him. Has he spoken much to you beyond a professional relationship?”

“No, I avoid him as much as possible. That's how it should be. He'll never have access to me or his child's life.”

“It's a pity that Will agrees with him,” Joan said softly.

That part hurt, but it was no wonder he agreed with Jake about leaving him out. It must have hurt some part of his fragile male ego to know that she was keeping Jake's child away from him. Out of all the things for Jake and Will to see eye to eye on, it had to be that. She supported Will throughout all of this, but he'd made his choice by insisting that she forgive Jake.

“ _I know he's done some horrible things but he's sorry for them, Vera! In comparison to Ferguson, at least he loves you! He made several mistakes, but haven't we all? There are worst people to be the father of your child, and I know he wants to be in your child's life. You really should consider it.”_

“ _Have you ever gotten a woman pregnant, Will?”_

“ _Once... but it was when I was much younger and neither of us could keep the child.”_

“ _Well, I almost got rid of mine, but I couldn't punish my child for his actions. However, that doesn't mean I have any obligation to him to allow him into my life. This child is innocent of everything, and doesn't deserve to be completely used by his or her father.”_

“ _Why do you think Jake would use his own child?”_

“ _He used me, and wasn't afraid to hurt me and this is still after he said he loved me when he was willing to blackmail me. He'd be willing to blackmail you too if he could. He's a snake, Will. You can't make me believe otherwise.”_

“ _I just think--”_

“ _Has sleeping with that woman made you stupid?” She blurted out, shocking herself and wishing she hadn't said anything._

_He stared at her with wide eyes. “With what woman?”_

_She swallowed and took a deep breath. “You should be more careful about where you go, Will. I'm not the only one to see you and Winter.”_

_He looked shocked. “If you need me to resign, I will.”_

_This made her feel even worse. “No, I still need you here. You're still a good officer but this going with Winter behind my back needs to stop. I don't know what's gotten into you, but I'm disappointed. Get your shit together.”_

_He was silent for a few moments. “I will...”_

“ _Get out,” she said quietly, watching as he quickly left her office without looking back._

That was only part of the rift between her and Will. She had a feeling he was still sleeping with Winter, especially by the way Kaz was acting towards them. She'd never tell him that Kaz was the one to tip her off about the two of them. It was quite sad actually, because she could see that it was more than just the anger of an officer sleeping with a prisoner, it was that Will chose Marie over Kaz.

As wrong as it was, she understood what it was like to be in love with someone in secret. She understood how hard that was for Kaz because that's exactly what was happening between her and Joan.

Forbidden love.

Vera stared at Joan and took her hand. “Will made his choice. He's on his own now.”

Joan nodded, and there was a look of satisfaction in her eyes. “This doesn't mean I want you to kill him.”

“I know, but you don't have a say in that,” Joan retorted. 

“No, I know I don't. I can't stop you from whatever you feel the need to do. I'd be hypocritical if I did.”

Joan smirked. “It's the first time you've ever admitted to your hypocrisy.”

Vera rolled her eyes, making Joan chuckle slightly. She suddenly felt very tired, moving to her room as she laid in bed. Joan retreated to her own room, and this is when Vera couldn't allow that anymore. She'd spent too many nights alone without her, and now that she was finally ready she wanted Joan with her.

In her bed.

“Joan,” she called softly, and she watched as the older woman came into her room.

“Yes, Vera?”

“Come to bed,” she pleaded, lifting the covers. Joan's eyes softened as she walked inside, slowly taking off her pants. Vera was only wearing a t-shirt, and she gazed at her long, beautiful legs. Skin that was so creamy as she moved inside and slid her thigh against hers.

“Do you want this? With me?” Vera asked, feeling nervous at her answer.

Joan lifted her hand and stroked her cheek, looking into her eyes as she caressed her hip. Her hand covered her stomach as she caressed her baby bump, smiling at her.

“Yes,” she whispered, kissing her now while she cupped Vera between her legs. Vera moaned, grinding against her hand.

“Turn over onto your side with your back facing me.”

Vera obeyed, feeling Joan's breasts slide against her back and her hand returning to her wetness. The older woman kissed and sucked her neck, teasing her slowly between her legs. She could feel Joan's hard nipples press into her back, and moaned when she felt Joan's wetness against her ass.

Joan caressed her body, making Vera shiver while she teased her, sliding her fingertips slowly up and down her lips and clit. Soft, firm kisses pressed against her neck, sucking hard on the skin when she began to slide her fingers inside her, moaning at the full feeling.

Joan pressed against her, grinding and lifting her hand to pinch her nipple, making Vera gasp. “Your breasts are so lovely, so sensitive and full during this time. I love how you respond to me touching you. It's been too long since I have touched you like this, don't you agree?”

Vera panted, pushing back against her as she rocked her hips into her hand, shivering while Joan pumped her fingers firmly in and out.

“You've wanted me, haven't you?” Joan asked, licking her neck and pressing on her clit.

“Yes,” she panted, her head rolling back against Joan's shoulder.

“That's good. You know that all I've wanted is to have you with me. No one will ever touch you again, do you understand?”

The possessive tone caught her off guard, but all she could do was moan and squeeze Joan's fingers in response.

“No, no one will,” she whimpered. Joan pressed her lips to her neck and sucked hard, this time circling her clit and turning her over onto her back. She stroked her stomach, kissing her breasts and baby bump, resting her head there. She kissed her baby bump again, coming up to kiss Vera as she stared into her eyes.

“This child is mine... not Jake's. This baby will be ours. Nothing and no one will stand in our way,” she said intensely, and Vera wasn't sure if she liked her tone, but she couldn't help but feel that there was some truth in it.

Joan stroked her cheek, kissing her again before she kissed down her body, moving down to spread her legs. Vera moaned when Joan pressed her mouth on her, spreading her legs wider.

“Oh, yes... Joan,” she moaned, arching her back a little as Joan licked and sucked. Her tongue lapped at her slowly and firmly, and it wasn't long before she felt the beginning of her orgasm. Joan kissed her swollen and wet lips, moving to lick and tease her clit. Vera was breathing heavily, her body now moving in a way that she felt completely out of control.

Joan caressed her thighs, licking her and circling her tongue. “Come for me,” Joan ordered, licking her faster.

There was so much sensation, Joan's lips and tongue on her, her soft warm hands caressing her wrists and thighs, her hips. Her soft hair that tickled her inner thighs, making her moan and orgasm right into Joan's mouth.

Joan licked her greedily, moaning at the taste and caressing her. She kissed her soothingly, making Vera twitch before she came up and held her in her arms, gentle now in her touch as she pulled Vera against her.

Vera kissed her, tasting herself on her lips and moaning. Joan smiled, stroking her hair and forehead. Vera relaxed, slowly coming down from her orgasm and she felt a little self conscious as she looked up at Joan. The older woman furrowed her brow, continuing to stroke her arms.

“What's the matter?” Joan asked quietly.

“I-I, uh, I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Yes?”

She hesitated, and Joan sighed. “Spit it out Vera. I already have a feeling of what you're going to say, so you might as well get it over with.”

Joan pulled away, sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed. “What do you mean? You already know?”

Joan was silent before she spoke, looking at the wall. “I haven't made love to a pregnant woman in a very long time, and the last time I did... well, she didn't exactly want us to do that anymore. She was... too scared of what it meant. I loved Jianna, but I know it was just a one time thing for her. It was more for comfort than anything. Our time together was wonderful for me, and I'm glad I shared it with her, but I know that I'm not the ideal woman to be with,” she said softly.

Vera was about to interrupt but Joan continued. “So I will understand if this wasn't something you truly wanted. I've taken advantage of your hormones to get what I can out of you, and that's extremely selfish of me. When I want something, I take it.”

Vera raised her brow, thinking of that and she wondered what that meant for her, but she knew she had to correct Joan on her assumptions.

“Joan, I know you take advantage of me at times. I kind of let you, because it's not always my hormones that make me feel this way. I want you, and I don't always understand why but it's just the way it is. I'm sorry for what you experienced with Jianna, but now that you're here... I don't want you to leave, and I don't want whatever this is to end. I just want to know one thing. Did you mean what you said about my baby? That this was your baby too?” Her voice shook with emotion, and she was surprised by how vulnerable she felt.

Joan turned to her, smiling softly as she entwined their fingers. “I don't say such things if I don't mean them. You won't ever have to be alone, Vera. And neither will our child.”

“Even if it's really Jake's child?”

Joan's nostrils flared. “Biologically he is the father, but I've been here,” she said, moving over to kiss her stomach, resting her cheek against it. “I've been here and he hasn't, and he won't ever be. This baby won't ever want for anything, do you understand?”

“But... you're on the run.”

“I have the financial resources elsewhere. That is something that not even Jake knows about. I will find a way for us, I promise.”

“What if he wants custody? I feel like it's only a matter of time before he says something. I just have a strange feeling.”

Joan caressed her cheek, kissing her lips softly. “When and if that happens, we will deal with it accordingly. Don't worry about it right now.”

Vera nodded, and Joan smiled as she took her into her arms, soothing her as she stroked her stomach. “What about you though?”

“Hmm, what about me?”

“Don't you want to... to you know?”

She felt Joan smile against her neck. “Of course I do, and I will... perhaps tomorrow morning,” she whispered, kissing her neck and caressing her breasts. Vera moaned softly.

“I'd love that,” she whispered.

“So would I. In the meantime, you should sleep.”

Vera nodded, letting Joan keep caressing her body until she felt completely relaxed. She fell asleep with Joan softly kissing her neck and shoulder.

 

* * *

 

Joan watched her sleep, smiling gently as she listened to her soft and steady breathing. She wasn't sure if this was love, but whatever it was, she was consumed by it. All she wanted was to be with Vera, so much so that she'd do anything to make that happen. After some time passed, she pulled out her phone, slow and quiet so not to wake Vera up.

_**I need you to do something for me.** _

_**I've already done enough for you! I'm not doing shit.** _

_**All I have to do is pull some strings to make you go down for attempted murder along with Channing. If you want to keep that little secret from getting out, then I highly suggest you listen to me.** _

There was a few minutes before he responded, and she smiled in smug satisfaction.

_**What do you want me to do?** _

_**Do you want to be part of your child's life?** _

_**I do, but I'm going to respect Vera's wishes.** _

She was slightly surprised by that, and this is what told her that she was right in doing this. 

_**I need you to not do that. Don't you want to be the father of that child? Don't let her get away with that.** _

_**What is it to you? Why does it matter?** _

It mattered a lot to Joan, for making Vera hate Jake more and fear him was one of her goals... and it would make it a lot easier to kill him later.

_**My motives don't concern you. Just do as you’re told. You will sue for custody because it's the right thing to do. You're already a snake, don't be more of a deadbeat dad.** _

_**I'm not a deadbeat dad!** _

_**Then prove it.** _

_**You're right... she shouldn't get away with this. I'm the father too, and I have rights!** _

As much as she hated to see Vera hurt, she knew it was better to get this over with faster, and she would be damned if she let him and Will live for everything they'd done. She knew that Vera had loved Jake, so there could be no forgiveness on her part. She'd make sure that Vera would never deal with him again.

_I'm sorry, Vera, but I must do this to protect you and our child, even if it means you're going to hurt over it. That's when I'll be here for you... to comfort you and love you when you need it most._

_I will protect what's mine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to add some notes the first time I updated lol. ^_^;; Anyway, I hope people liked reading that chapter. It took me a little longer to update than I had originally planned but was still figuring out exactly what direction I wanted to go. I'll update again as soon as I can! :)


	16. Chapter 16

This won’t be an official chapter update but more of an update for the progress of the story. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now, and I’m kind of at odds with how this story will end. I’ve been suffering from writers block with it, which sucks.

I’m going to have to put this story on hiatus until I have more time for it and until I figure out what I wanna do. Any other fics I’m writing will also have to be put on hold until I can have more time for them. Please be patient with me and I promise the story will be finished in time, even if it takes me a year. Thank you for all the comments and kudos. 

 

 

 

PS: Happy April Fools! :P I’m sorry to be evil but I had to do this lol. I’m not taking a break. This story will be updated soon, and so will other fanfics I’m currently writing. I couldn’t abandon this! Especially with Pam coming to WWCon in the US!! :D


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it's the real chapter update now. Not another trolling April Fool's joke lol. I thought I would update this soon after to make up for being a little evil lol.

Joan turned in bed, squinting her eyes as sun filtered into Vera's bedroom. One part of the curtain wasn't completely covering the window and she sighed. She wished she'd closed it last night, but she was so tired and Vera was asleep in her arms so she ignored it. Speaking of, she looked down to see Vera snuggled up against her. Her pregnant belly pressed against her and she smiled fondly. Vera was so small and petite, so it was rather adorable to see even the smallest of a baby bump.

Vera moved in her sleep, the sheets slipping down from her body, baring her beautiful breasts. She ached to touch her, this new intimacy an addiction to her as she imagined how much she could make Vera feel.

She stroked her breasts, listening to Vera's breathing as her hand slowly moved down to stroke her stomach, resting just above her pubic bone. There was a sharp intake of breath and she moved her hand back up to Vera's hip, holding her even closer. Vera opened her eyes and looked a little confused before she blushed. Joan smiled, leaning down to kiss her.

“Good morning,” she whispered.

“Um, good morning,” Vera said, smiling.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, I did. I haven't slept like that in a long time.”

Joan nodded, lifting her hand to cover her breast and squeezing gently. “Are you hungry?”

“Um... not yet.”

“Neither am I,” Joan said, pressing Vera onto her back. She kissed her deeply, her hands caressing her body.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Joan whispered against her lips.

“Yes,” she whispered back.

Joan kissed her neck, lowering her hand between Vera's legs. She spread her legs wider, gently biting Vera's neck.

“You're a naughty girl.”

She felt the heat of Vera's skin and knew she was blushing, and she looked into her eyes. “I told him to say that.”

“What?” Vera stared up at her, slowly sitting up.

Joan nodded. “I wanted him to touch you in the boiler room. I told him what to do. Almost every time you've had an orgasm with him, it was because of me.”

Vera furrowed her eyebrows. “Why are you telling me this?”

Joan slowly moved behind her on the bed, and spread her legs wider as she sat on her knees. Vera shivered and Joan cupped her neck and felt the pulse fluttering beneath her fingertips.

“Because I want you to know just how much you've been mine all along.”

“Joan, I don't know if I like this...”

Joan smirked, her hand moving down to squeeze and pinch her nipple, and then she felt the pooling wetness between her legs. “Oh, but you do. You're so wet right now that you're soaking. I don't even think Jake made you this wet,” she said, kissing her neck.

“Please Joan,” she moaned, and Joan knew that she had her then. She kissed her ear, breathing hotly. “Do you know how much I've fantasized about doing this to you? I wanted to be there instead. Would you have wanted me there?”

Vera panted as Joan slid her fingers up and down her lips, slowly circling her clit. “Would you have come harder if I'd pulled off that blindfold and been fucking you instead?”

Vera moaned. “But you—you... I don't understand...”

“Shh... just know that I wanted you then,” Joan said huskily, sliding two fingers inside and closing her eyes at the warm wetness.

“Naughty girl,” Joan whispered again, curling her fingers inside and brushing her clit.

Vera shivered, and Joan smiled as she squeezed her fingers. She slowly began to grind her hips against her, and loved when Vera pressed back into her hand.

“Oh, Vera, I love how you much you want this.”

“Fuck me, Joan,” she whispered harshly.

Joan's nostrils flared, inhaling Vera's scent as she bit her shoulder and thrust deeply inside. Vera turned her head, and kissed her hard.

“I haven't been able to come without thinking about you,” she gasped, rocking her hips faster now and Joan moaned as she felt her body shaking, knowing Vera was close.

“I know how hard it must have been to deny me,” she said, pumping her fingers faster now. Vera gasped and tensed and Joan moved her other hand to stroke her clit at the same time.

“Joan, I can't... I need to come. I'm so close.”

Joan kissed her shoulders, sucking her neck as she whispered again. “Come for me... just like you've always wanted to. Just let go and let it happen.”

She felt her fingers squeezed hard, and she moaned at the feeling, loving how much Vera trusted her then. Not everyone would be happy with such a confession, but she knew that Vera was not like everyone else. She sighed happily, gently stroking Vera and rubbing her lips before she slowly pulled back and held her close. She kissed her softly, looking into her eyes.

“That was... I didn't know that you felt that way then. Why didn't you ever...?”

“It's complicated. And there was such a reward in knowing that you could come to my instructions, even if you didn't know it.”

“That's a little fucked up,” Vera said, frowning.

“Hmm... yes, but even so I wanted to feel some kind of connection with you. Does that make sense?”

“I can't believe I'm saying this, but it does. I also felt a connection with you in some way when I thought about you. When I would see you, even though I wanted to slap you sometimes, I just couldn't get enough.”

Joan smiled. “I'm so glad that you've finally accepted this... accepted us. Do you realize how happy we can be?”

Joan kissed her softly, caressing her cheek. She saw Vera's expression soften, her body relaxing as she kissed her back. “Yes, and sometimes it scares me.”

Joan stroked her hair. “I'll always protect you, no matter what. No one will hurt you, or this baby. No one will hurt us,” she said seriously, and Vera nodded, wrapping her arms around Joan.

Joan held her close, kissing her again. Vera pressed against her, pushing her down against the bed.

“You said you'd want this in the morning,” she whispered, looking down at Joan's body. She felt a little insecure, wondering about her age and how her body looked in comparison to Vera's. She wasn't as young as Vera, and even though they'd seen each other naked, this was the first time she'd be this vulnerable in front of her... at least intimately.

“Yes,” she whispered, taking Vera's hand and placing it over her breast. Vera kissed her deeply, moving against Joan and lying on her side. Joan watched her as she laid on her back, letting Vera take over for the moment. She hated not being in control, but she was too aroused to care right now. And she so desperately needed release.

Vera touched and caressed her, kissing around her breasts before she took a nipple into her mouth. Joan moaned, arching her back as she held Vera's head to her breast.

“Suck them harder,” she rasped, pushing more of her breast into Vera's mouth. Vera nodded, closing her eyes and sucking harder, almost rhythmically as she slid her hand down to caress her thighs.

Joan whimpered when Vera bit gently, and the younger woman moved to her other breast and gave it the same attention. Joan panted, then lifted Vera's head and kissed her hard, biting her lip gently.

Vera moaned into her mouth, and Joan had never been kissed so passionately before until now. She could smell and taste Vera, and she needed more. Joan took her hand and placed it between her thighs.

“I want you,” Joan said, pushing against her and grinding into her hand. Vera cupped her, squeezing gently and her finger slid between her lips up to her clit.

“How much do you want me?” Vera asked, now rubbing her with her palm. Joan felt the pressure against her clit, and she spread her legs wider.

“So much,” Joan moaned, and she leaned over and placed her mouth over Vera's breast. She sucked on the swell of her breast, hoping that she'd suck hard enough to leave a mark.

Vera gasped as Joan licked and sucked her nipple, and Vera's fingers thrust inside her deeply. She moaned around her breast, moving her back to rest against the pillow. She wanted to be filled, to feel Vera inside her. She'd waited so long for this, and trembled as she felt Vera circle her clit at the same time. Three fingers were inside her and she squeezed them. Vera leaned over her, kissing her and curling her fingers.

Joan felt the beginnings of her orgasm, her body tensing as she trembled. She smoothed her hand down to squeeze Vera's ass and pushed her against her thigh. Vera kissed her neck, her breath hot against her ear as she stroked and pumped her fingers faster.

“You're so wet. I love how you feel, _Governor_ ,” she whispered, sucking her neck and biting gently.

Calling her by her former title did it. Vera kissed her hard, and Joan felt her wet and hot against her thigh, shivering as she moaned into her mouth.

Joan trembled, her body still twitching slightly after her orgasm. It took her a few minutes to realize that Vera was gently stroking her arms and kissing her nose and lips. Joan slowly relaxed, wrapping her arms around her. She gently turned them over onto their sides, pressing Vera as close as possible to what her little baby bump would allow.

Vera looked up at her, and her eyes were so blue and serene. They were soft and her facial expression had a very relaxed post-coital look. Joan smiled, and then felt an odd feeling against her stomach. She looked down as Vera did.

“Are you okay?”

“I think the baby just kicked or something,” Vera said, looking at her in surprise. Joan's eyes widened and she felt the movement again, very gentle and subtle but definitely there.

Vera took her hand and placed it against her stomach, and Joan could feel a little more now. This is Vera's baby... their baby. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she blinked them back, smiling tenderly at Vera.

“Are you crying?” Vera asked, reaching up to stroke her face.

Joan's emotions betrayed her as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I'm sorry...” She wasn't sure why she was apologizing, and Vera stroked her tear away with her thumb, kissing her gently.

“It's okay. I'm just glad you were with me when it first happened.”

Joan smiled. “Me too.” There were so many reminders of Jianna then, and even of Doreen and they were both happy and painful memories. She caressed Vera's stomach, and Vera pressed her head against her chest. Joan kept doing this until Vera relaxed and fell asleep. She kissed her forehead, holding her close in her arms. She couldn't imagine not being with Vera and in this child's life. Tenderness overwhelmed her as she watched Vera sleep, and imagined holding a beautiful baby boy or girl.

_Is this love?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed the REAL chapter! LOL :) 
> 
> I don't always include music I listen to while writing since sometimes it's very personal to me, and other times it's just a background piece to relax and get lost in for writing. For this chapter, I listened to relaxing and sensual classical music from a playlist I found on youtube. I wanted something relaxing but also something that helped me write out these scenes. 
> 
> If you're interested in listening, it is very beautiful instrumental music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDQ_R6VMBc8


	18. Chapter 18

Vera's pregnancy was definitely not something she could hide anymore. She was six months pregnant now, and spent as much time as she could in her office, but still tried to get some exercise while roaming the corridors. Joan hated that she wasn't on maternity leave yet, and always watched her like a hawk when she came home from the prison. The stress of the work day would get to her, sometimes leaving her crying more often than she liked.

She worried about the safety of herself and the baby, but she still wanted to do as much work at the prison as she could. When she spoke about this to Proctor, she assured her that no harm would come to her or her baby. And that if any of the women broke this rule, they would be severely punished. Vera didn't condone such behavior, but knew that the women dealt their own justice in here. She was still a screw in their eyes, but Proctor drew a line with an innocent baby.

And how strange it was to be more on edge at the prison because of one of the officers than the prisoners. He watched her, and it made her uneasy. She saw the contempt in his eyes now, so much different than before, and she had to wonder if she was doing the right thing. But as she pressed her hand to her belly, she felt a little kick and knew that she'd do anything to protect her baby.

Every time she had to work with him, it was a chore. She was worried she'd grind her teeth down by the end of the day. Speaking to Will about it, he didn't want her to stress but always kept saying it would be a little easier if she would just work something out with Jake. This always made her angry, and it was something that Will would never understand.

There was a knock at her door as she watched the CCTV. “I'll be with you in just a moment,” she murmured.

“I don't think you'll want to wait.”

Turning her head, she schooled herself to have an impassive expression. “What can I do for you, Mr. Stewart?” She asked calmly.

“Let's have dinner.”

She smirked. “Are you making a joke?”

“No, I'm not. I want to take you out to dinner. We have some things to discuss.”

She shook her head. “Why can't you discuss it here?”

“Because what I want to talk about would be inappropriate for work, as you so often keep telling me,” he said sarcastically.

She frowned. “I don't understand why you can't just speak to me on the phone later.”

“Come on, Vera. I'm sure you're hungry. Especially since you're eating for two now.”

Her stomach growled in response, making her blush and him smile smugly. She sighed. “Very well. But not too late,” she warned.

“I'll meet you at our usual place,” he said as he left her office.

She put her hand against her forehead. It was the last thing she wanted to do right now, but she felt the slight need to accommodate him. His moods had been so up and down lately it was like walking on eggshells. Between running the prison, Jake, Joan, and her being pregnant, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders.

She pulled out her phone and text Joan.

_**I'll be back a little late tonight. Don't worry about dinner.** _

_**Are you working late again? I've told you that you need more rest.** _

_**No, I'm going out to dinner.** _

_**With whom?** _

_**You won't like it. It's Jake.** _

She waited for a response, but there was none for a full minute. She was just about to put her phone back into her pocket before Joan text her back.

_**K.** _

Vera rolled her eyes at the response, knowing that Joan was extremely irritated.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

 

* * *

 

Pulling into the parking lot of one of her favorite restaurants, she couldn't stop the flood of happy memories that surfaced of the time she spent with Jake. If only things had been different, and he hadn't fucked everything up.

“ _No, that's always been you, Stinky Pants.”_

She bit the side of her cheek when she heard her mother's voice as if she was right next to her. Her mother was dead, but the unseen scars she left still remained.

“Shut the fuck up,” she whispered.

She shook her head and walked into the restaurant, eyes traveling the room until they landed on Jake already sitting at a table. She walked over to him, moving awkwardly into the seat with her pregnant belly.

As they ordered drinks and their meals, she stared at Jake warily from across the table. He raised his eyebrows, smiling slighly in that boyish way he always does. She would have found it charming if she wasn't so angry at him.

“So what's this about, Jake?”

“I was thinking with how busy you are lately with the prison, and I remember how much you didn't want this child in the beginning, but perhaps I can raise the baby instead.”

Vera was sipping her water as she started to choke on it, coughing as she tried not to laugh. “Are you serious?”

He nodded. “Yes, I think this would make things a lot easier on you. You wouldn't have to deal with me or the burden of being a parent.”

She furrowed her brows. “It's true I did try to have an abortion, but the only reason was because I didn't want to be tied down to you. I'm the mother of this baby and I'm not giving him or her up!”

He narrowed his eyes. “And I'm the father, so we have a problem. I don't want to abandon my child either, and since you won't let me be a part of his or her life, then I think it's time I take matters into my own hands.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I will probably look a lot more like the suitable parent than you would at this point. Let's see, there's the fact that you told me that you killed your own mother.”

“Jake... she was already dying, and you told me that it was the right thing to do.”

“Yes, it was but a judge wouldn't ever see it that way.”

The blood drained from her face, and she stared blankly at her plate as their food arrived.

“You can't prove anything,” she said angrily.

“Maybe I can't, but you know on top of that and what happened with Bea Smith and that screwdriver, and then framing Murphy... oh and let's not forget the suspicions that you somehow knew about Ferguson escaping.”

“We're all taking that to our grave about what happened to her!”

“Yes, we are but that doesn't change the fact that the police are still suspicious, and let me tell you they're most suspicious of those who were closest to her.”

“You told me that you'd gotten rid of the evidence about Murphy and the surveillance footage of that day.”

He shook his head. “Not quite. I still kept a backup copy just in case. Sorry to disappoint you. I really did want to make things work with you, and I was willing to destroy that last piece too, but that was before you said I wasn't allowed to be in my child's life,” he said bitterly.

She swallowed, her hands shaking. “You're a damn drug dealer and a murderer. I know you killed Nils Jesper. I did these things thinking I had to protect myself and the rest of the women in this prison. You did this shit just to save your own ass! I will _never_ let you be a father to my baby.”

He leaned in, whispering to her, “I have connections Vera, and it would be very easy for me to just disappear and you'd never be able to find me. I can make sure you never see your child again.”

Her heart began beating faster, and she knew she was on the verge of a panic attack. He finished his last bite of dinner and stood up. “I have to be getting back home, but just remember what I said, Vera. If you know what's good for you, you'll make the right choice. And if not, well that last option is something I'm not afraid to do.”

She couldn't finish her dinner as she watched him leave, her hands shaking. She rushed to the bathroom and sat in the toilet stall, breathing fast as she felt her panic attack coming on.

_Please no, not right now. This isn't good for the baby._

She stroked her belly, pressing her forehead to the wall as she waited for it to pass. Breathing a little more slowly, she was glad that it didn't last as long.

She waited in her car until she felt safe enough to drive home in her emotional state. She text Joan saying she would be home soon and didn't see a reply, a tear sliding down her cheek.

_Don't be mad at me too._

When she arrived, it was quiet and many of the lights were off. Only a few were on but were turned down low. She heard footsteps down the hall, flicking on the living room light and seeing Joan walk in.

“You're home later than expected.”

Vera must have had a particular look on her face because Joan quickly walked over to her. “What happened?”

Vera couldn't stop the dam of tears that erupted, and Joan appeared startled as she quickly took Vera into her arms.

“Vera, you're scaring me. What happened? He didn't touch you, did he? If he hurt you, I will--”

“No, nothing like that.”

She felt Joan kiss her forehead as she stroked her hair. “Good. I don't know what I would have done if he hurt you,” she whispered.

Vera shook her head. “He didn't have to physically hurt me.” She looked up at Joan, the tears running down her face and she hated how emotional she was becoming.

“He wants to take our baby away. He wants to blackmail me. What are we supposed to do? If I don't do as he says, he's going to take him away to where I won't be able to find him.”

“Him?”

“Well... or her, but I have a feeling it's a boy,” she said, sniffling. Joan stroked her cheek, smiling gently.

“We'll find out soon, and decide on names.”

“We won't be able to if Jake--”

A finger was pressed to her lips. “Shh... don't you worry about Jake. He will never take our child away, do you understand?”

“But he said--”

Joan kissed her softly, and kept kissing her until she relaxed in her arms. She held her close, gently stroking her hips and stomach. “I will protect you and our baby.”

Vera nodded and Joan picked her up, making Vera giggle. “How am I not too heavy for you?”

Joan laughed. “You'd be surprised how strong I am.”

She smiled as Joan laid her on the bed, kissing her deeply and removing her clothes. She ran her fingers through her hair when Joan's kisses traveled lower, making her moan softly when she felt soft lips kiss her wet center.

Vera spread her legs wider, letting Joan take over as she made love to her.

“That's it, Vera,” she said, slowly kissing and licking her, making Vera lift her hips. Joan's hair tickled her hips and thighs, making her shiver. When Joan gently sucked her clit, she knew she wouldn't last too long.

Joan caressed her thighs, now holding her hips down as she began to rock them faster, and she tensed and shook as she had her orgasm. Gasping for breath as she came, she ran her hands through Joan's hair, feeling the taller woman move up and kiss her deeply. She moaned softly into her mouth, tasting herself on her lips.

Joan stared into her eyes, lying down next to her as she held her close. Joan spooned her more often when they slept, but she always loved the intimacy of this eye contact she had with her. Her eyes were so beautiful.

“I think I'm falling in love with you,” she whispered.

Joan's eyes widened, then slowly softened. “You think?”

Her eyes were dark but there was also vulnerability in them. Vera shook her head, kissing her as she stroked Joan's face. “No, I know. I love you.”

Joan sighed softly, reaching up to stroke her stomach and then her shoulders and cheek. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I'm sure. I love you.”

Joan nodded, kissing her softly. “I'm glad.”

She gently moved Vera to be in front of her and spooned her, kissing her cheek and neck. She was a little disappointed that Joan didn't answer back. But she supposed that was asking too much of her. Joan was so complicated, and it was a lot for her to even admit that she loved Joan. She couldn't help but be a little hurt by it, even though it was a little irrational to feel that way. It wasn't the first time she'd said that to someone and they didn't say they loved her back.

Joan stroked her arms and stomach, kissing along her neck until she found herself getting sleepy. Joan breathed softly against her ear. “I've already fallen.”

Vera smiled, kissing her palm and snuggling back into her. “Are you sure?” She asked quietly, feeling Joan smile against her neck.

“What I said wasn't enough?”

“No, it wasn't,” Vera said, giggling a little when Joan gently bit her neck.

“I love you,” she whispered back as she held Vera closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that took longer to update. I've been busy and it was a little harder for me to feel motivated to write this chapter. It wasn't exactly how I wanted it to turn out, but I hope it was enjoyable to read! :)


	19. Chapter 19

Joan wished she could go with Vera to her doctor's appointments. She didn't like the idea of her being alone, and wanted to be able to ask as many questions as possible. She was familiar with how it was when Jianna was pregnant, but this was so different now. This wasn't a one sided relationship. Vera loved her back.

She was almost seven months pregnant, and she desperately wanted Vera home so she could watch over her. Joan finished preparing their dinner, briefly looking up when Vera walked inside.

She waddled slightly, making Joan smile a little. She'd gained weight due to her pregnancy but not by much. Vera often didn't like how she looked but Joan thought she was soft and beautiful.

Her eyes were tired, and she collapsed onto the couch. Joan slowly walked inside the living room, kneeling down to take off her shoes.

“How was it today?”

“It was awful. I had to suspend Will because he still couldn't stay away from Winter.”

Joan hid her reaction to that, knowing it was only a matter of time before Will lost even more respect in Vera's eyes.

“I've told you that he's a pathetic excuse for an officer.”

Vera frowned. “I don't like it. I don't know what's happened to him. He's been acting so agitated lately. I thought it was because of what happened with you but...”

“Have you considered he might also be using drugs?”

“Why do you ask that?”

Joan began to massage her feet, making Vera close her eyes. “It's not the first time, and even though I'm alive, how he feels about burying me alive shouldn't go away. It'll haunt him for the rest of his life. One cannot deny the animal within...”

“What does that mean?”

Joan gently but firmly rubbed her feet, smiling when Vera moaned softly and tilted her head back. “That feels amazing,” she murmured.

“Well, once someone like Will does what he does, it almost unleashes something. I believe everyone has the ability to commit such acts, but I just never thought he'd have the guts to do so. It's unleashed more of a darkness within him. Probably something that was already there. Yet he likes to pretend he has a halo around his head.”

“You really do hate him, don't you?”

Joan pursed her lips. “I grow weary of others who are no better than me, but seem to get away with such behavior.”

“That could apply to me too...”

“It does, but you and I have an understanding. You've embraced some of your darker side, and by doing so you've chosen what's right.”

Vera looked a little uncomfortable. “I'm not sure I completely agree with that.”

Joan sighed, taking her feet into her lap. She continued to massage her feet and gently caressed her ankles, and Vera looked very relaxed. “You don't have to agree with it. In some ways you'll always be just a little bit vanilla,” she said, winking.

Vera opened her eyes, making a face at her. “Seriously? You're going to insult a pregnant woman?”

“It's not a complete insult, just the truth. It's part of what makes me love you. There will always be some good in you, but I'm glad that you've been a little... _corrupted_.”

She caressed her calf, her hand sliding up to massage her thighs. “Mmm... Joan.”

She leaned down and kissed her, careful of her pregnant belly. “There is something else,” Vera whispered.

“What's that?” She whispered back, her hand moving up to caress her breast.

“Jake said we're going to settle this legally once the baby is born.”

Joan sighed, feeling guilty as she thought of everything she'd been saying to Jake. She goaded him, made him angrier, always reminding him of what he'd be losing to Vera.

She stroked her hair. “He won't have a chance, you know that.”

“I think he does. And I'm afraid of what would happen if he released the evidence he has on me. I might never be able to see my baby again. I swear it's like he wants me to go to prison.”

Joan knew that was exactly what Jake wanted. He wanted nothing more than to make Vera suffer behind the bars, gloating and reminding her of what she'd lost. At one time, Joan wanted the same thing.

She looked into Vera's eyes, remembering the day of the lynching. She kissed her gently, so grateful to her for saving her life. It was the turning point for the two of them, and she was a little ashamed to ever believe that Vera truly wanted her dead.

Love and obsession were such complicated emotions.

“Don't worry about Jake. Trust me and everything will be okay. After dinner, why don't you let me draw you a bath, hmm?”

Vera nodded, following her into the kitchen and sitting down at the table. “I made your favorite,” Joan said, smiling knowingly.

Vera smiled, but it was a little forced and Joan knew that her words wouldn't be what soothed Vera. She took a sip of her wine and took Vera's hand into hers, squeezing it.

 

* * *

 

As she ran the bath water, she adjusted the temperature. She undressed Vera, kneeling down to kiss her stomach, hugging her hips.

“That tickles.” Joan smirked, holding her hand and leading her into the bath. She slowly helped her inside, then undressed and moved in behind her. As she cradled Vera in her arms, she wondered exactly what they were going to do once the baby was born. Stroking her stomach, she kissed Vera's neck and inhaled deeply.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Everything, but especially how wonderful you feel in my arms right now.”

Vera rested her head back against her shoulder. “Just stay with me like this,” she whispered.

Joan nodded, caressing her stomach and interlacing their fingers. “Do you think the baby recognizes my voice?”

“Yes, I believe so. Why do you ask?”

Joan wasn't sure why such a question was important to her, but she placed her hand on her stomach again. “Because...” She paused, realizing what it was. She didn't like admitting it, but it was something she desperately wanted. “Because I want the baby to know who I am. I want our baby to love me,” she finished quietly.

Vera turned towards her. “He already does.”

“Are you happy it's a boy?” Joan asked.

“Yes... are you?”

Joan would have been happy with a healthy child no matter what the sex, but she was a little partial to having a little baby boy. She couldn't help but be a little reminded of Shayne. There was a fondness and a love there that would never go away.

“Yes, I'm happy,” she whispered.

Vera touched a scar on the outside of her wrist. “This was after you were... after you were raped.”

Joan stiffened. “Why are we talking about this right now?”

“Because you haven't much at all. I know you have nightmares some nights. I don't always know what they're about, but you don't have to hide how you feel with me. And... since we told each other how we really feel, I want you to be able to talk to me.”

Joan tightened her jaw, and Vera kissed her palm. “It doesn't have to be now, but whenever you're ready.”

Joan slowly relaxed, hugging Vera gently. “It hasn't been easy, and those aren't the only nightmares I have. I have many demons Vera, and I know you want to fix me, but you can't fix everyone.”

She felt a tear slide down Vera's cheek. “Hey, hey... why are you crying?”

“Because I just want you to heal,” she whispered. Joan closed her eyes, a tear escaping as she pressed her cheek to Vera's, kissing her.

“I'm getting there... every day I'm getting there. You may not see it, but I heal in my own way, Vera.”

“I think I understand,” she said softly. Joan traced her breasts, making Vera sigh in pleasure.

“Don't worry so much about me. You do more for me than you'll ever know,” she said as she kissed her neck. Joan held her close, gently washing her skin. “Even this is healing,” she whispered. “And I don't think it's healing just for me either. You've also needed it.”

Vera glanced at her, looking surprised. “I know you've been stressed, and I meant what I said. You won't ever have to look over your shoulder. You need to trust me, and let me take care of everything.”

“But Jake said--”

“Shh... everything will work out, you'll see.”

She gently pulled Vera out of the tub, and wrapped her in a robe after they dried off. “Let's watch something on TV to take your mind off of everything.”

Vera smiled, laughing a few times at the sitcom they watched. Joan stroked her hair, and it didn't take long for Vera to fall asleep. As she held Vera in her arms, she thought of what needed to be done next.

_I will remove any and all obstacles in my path._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly sure how I feel about this chapter, but I hope everyone enjoyed that update! :)


	20. Chapter 20

He sat alone at the bar and she watched him, wearing a hood that covered more of her face and hair. She'd told Vera that she was going out in order to buy food and other things they needed, and that was partially true. She knew that she'd worry about her being gone so long, but Joan had other plans.

She knew he was a little drunk, and she wondered when he'd get high after. He was so pathetic to react to his suspension like this, but she also wasn't surprised.

Going against her better judgment, she slid out of the booth she was in and pulled up a chair next to him. “Drowning away your sorrows, Mr. Jackson?”

He took another drink of what looked like whiskey. “Piss off,” he muttered.

She pursed her lips, asking for a double shot of vodka from the bartender. The place was dark, grimy, and a little on the sleazy side. She wouldn't be caught dead here at any time, but it was perfect for not being recognized at this time of night.

“Well, if you want me to do that, you should have made sure to properly finish me off,” she said in a deadly calm voice.

He didn't look at her, his hand shaking as he took another drink. “I tried. Believe me, I tried.”

She smirked, the anger building up inside her. “Do you know that everything that has happened to me is because of you?”

She pressed a blunt object against his side, but it was in her sweater. It wasn't a gun, but she wanted him to believe it was. She pressed harder into him with it, and she could see a trickle of sweat run down his brow.

“What do you want?” He asked quietly.

“Come with me,” she ordered. He slowly staggered out, her following him as she held onto his jacket.

They walked together, and he stumbled slightly as they moved farther away into a more secluded area where she had her car.

“Where are we going?”

“It doesn't matter where. Now get in the car, and not another word.”

They drove in silence, and she made sure he wouldn't be able to get out, using the child locks of the car to prevent his possible escape. She drove far, finally coming to a secluded area. Getting out of the car, she opened it quickly and pulled him out.

His elbow suddenly hit her side, making her grunt when he pulled away from her. But he was sloppy as he ran, tripping over uneven ground as his face hit the dirt.

“It's useless to run,” she said quietly.

“You shouldn't even be alive!”

Her lips twitched. “You know, if you were a better officer, a better man, you may have been able to succeed in your plan. But you'll always be so disappointing and pathetic.”

“I've explained this to you! Jianna didn't kill herself because of me. She died because of you! Because of your relationship with her,” he said, slowly standing up.

“Even if that's true, you still took away her child. The one she loved the most. How could you do that?”

“It was my job. It wasn't anything personal.”

“You're a liar! You didn't believe she could do it, could you? And you didn't believe that anyone else could help her! It's because of you that she's dead. It's because of you that I lost her. She's gone and you're here, and I'll never forgive you for that. You shouldn't be the one that's here instead of her.”

“Why all of this because of her? Everything you've done has been for Jianna? That's not love. You're insane!”

“I've been called that before, but everything I do is for the greater good. No one needs to understand why. And don't you ever tell me what love is. You don't know what it's like to make sacrifices for the ones you love.”

“You wouldn't know the meaning of it, Ferguson. You're going to die alone, with no one who loves or cares about you because you know what you are? You're poison.”

She saw red and lunged at him, but he was faster than her. He wrestled her to the ground, not able to dodge her fist as she punched him in the face. She was surprised when he hit her back, making her a little dazed. His hands were around her throat now and she hadn't anticipated how strong he'd be, especially while being intoxicated. She couldn't breathe, grabbing at his hands that dug into her throat. Her nails scratched at his face, and she was reminded suddenly of being in the box and the terror of that blinded her, but she couldn't scream.

“I hate you! You've made me do this,” he whispered angrily.

She used all of her strength against him, kneeing him in the groin and quickly grabbed the knife that was in her pocket. She stabbed him in his side, repeatedly stabbing him until he let go of her. With a scream of rage, she stabbed him into the chest, doing so now over and over. His blood covered her hands, and she stopped suddenly, shivering in the night air.

Heart beating fast, she watched as he gurgled and took his final breath.

“Goodnight, Mr. Jackson,” she whispered.

 

* * *

 

Joan was tired, having been out for so long now that she knew Vera was going to be very worried. She covered herself in a jacket before she came through the door. But instead she found Vera asleep on the couch, and her eyes softened as she realized she'd been waiting up for her. She bent down and kissed her forehead, watching as Vera opened her eyes.

“Joan? I was so worried. Are you all right? Where were you?”

Joan was calm as she stared at Vera. “I had some things to do, and I decided to go by the beach. I needed to... release something that's been a heavy burden on my shoulders for a while.”

Vera looked sleepy and confused. “And did you?”

Joan thought how by the time anyone might find Will Jackson, his body would be too greatly decomposed and damaged by the water and whatever else in the ocean. No one would know who killed him, if at all.

“Yes, it's a relief to finally have it resolved.”

Vera blinked at her. “Are you sure you're okay?”

Joan hesitated before she answered. “I'm fine, but I'm just going to take a shower before bed.”

Vera yawned, making Joan smile fondly. “Okay, I'll see you soon.”

Joan kissed her forehead again, walking into the bathroom and stripping off her clothes. She put a warm robe around her and disposed of her soiled clothes in the trash, her hands shaking a little at seeing the blood.

Stepping into the shower, she sighed in pleasure when she felt the warm water hit her skin. It felt good on her sore and aching muscles. Sweat, dirt, and blood dripped off her body as she washed herself. She was a little shocked that she'd finally been able to achieve what she'd been wanting for so many years. And not only was it what she'd planned for so long, but it was revenge for what he did to her. The rush of adrenaline that she felt during that moment, along with the pain and the rage that came up all at once. It overwhelmed her and before she knew it, she'd lost control. She didn't remember how many times she stabbed him, but what she did remember was the sense of justice she felt after.

Except now... now all she felt was a deep weariness in her bones. She didn't know how she was feeling anymore, but whatever this was, it wasn't what she expected to feel. Satisfaction slowly washed away, and she was left naked and alone in the shower to think about what she'd done.

Yes, the weight was gone, but it didn't give her the same sense of relief she originally felt. It just made her feel strange, as if none of it was real. It was unsettling.

_What's wrong with me?_

She waited under the water, closing her eyes and letting it wash away everything from the night. It wasn't just the physical evidence that she needed to be gone.

“ _ **Jianna didn't kill herself because of me. She died because of you! Because of your relationship with her.”**_

Those words would always haunt her, because she knew there was some truth to it. But that didn't change how she felt about him. It didn't change that he tried to kill her... that he left her to rot in the ground.

_I killed him because I had to. Because he deserved it... because he's always deserved it. An eye for an eye._

“ _ **I hate you! You've made me do this.”**_

_I will not feel guilty for what you made me do either. You brought it upon yourself. Let the punishment fit the crime._

And with that final thought, she felt her body begin to relax. She turned off the shower, stepped out and looked through the crack of the door. She smiled slowly when she saw Vera move a little awkwardly into bed. She opened the door and climbed into bed with her, wrapping her arms around her.

“You smell nice,” Vera said, kissing her. She faced Joan, pushing a pillow between her legs. She'd been doing that lately in order to feel more comfortable at night. She rested her hand on Vera's stomach and gently stroked, loving how Vera's eyelashes fluttered a little. Joan knew she was tired, and she always made sure to make Vera nice and relaxed before sleep. This was why she would not tell her about what happened tonight... perhaps not ever.

“Thank you,” she said, kissing her more deeply. There was something so sexy about her right now that she couldn't explain, and she wanted nothing more than to make Vera moan and writhe in pleasure. She instead enjoyed their shared kisses and caresses, and ignored the pleasurable ache she had between her legs.

“When are you going to go on maternity leave?”

Vera sighed. “Not yet,” she said, a little irritated.

“The sooner you do, the sooner I can just have you here with me like this,” Joan whispered, touching her and kissing her neck.

Vera moaned softly, and Joan stroked her hip and thigh. “Why is that so bad, hmm?”

“It's not. I love this,” Vera responded, and Joan smiled, circling her nipple with her fingertips.

“Joan, I'm sleepy... please don't tease.”

Joan kissed her gently. “I know you are. I'm not teasing, just letting you enjoy a little more than just kissing,” she said.

Vera smiled, lifting her hand to stroke her cheek as she kissed her back. “Are you trying to seduce me, Joan?”

“Always, Vera,” she said, but her touches became slow and more deliberate, watching Vera's eyelids start to close. “Ever since our very first debriefing... I've wanted to seduce you,” she whispered.

“It was all with the hair and hips... your voice,” Vera murmured, her eyes still closed.

Joan smiled, knowing Vera was falling asleep. “Was it just that?” She slowly gathered Vera into her arms, spooning her and stroking her stomach. Vera sighed softly, shaking her head.

“I just really liked you,” Vera said sleepily. Joan smiled, remembering their first few encounters.

As Vera's breathing evened out, Joan kissed her neck. “I knew we'd always be a team,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't exactly like how I wrote this chapter since it kind of didn't go the way I wanted it to go, but that's also because my mind can be a bit all over the place with how I picture some aspects of my story lol. I hope that was enjoyable nonetheless. :)


	21. Chapter 21

Of all the days for things to go exactly the opposite of what she planned, it had to be today. Joan stared angrily at her phone, typing out a furious response.

_**What do you mean you can't do this anymore?** _

_**I can't. Today Vera was almost hurt out in the yard. I don't want to make things worse.** _

_**Do you think you're going to have a little happy family with her? Because you know she won't let that happen.** _

_**I know, but if I want to be part of this child's life, I can't keep doing this.** _

_**It would be very easy to make sure you'd never see either of them again. All the little information I have on you is something that can be easily let out. Do you really want to risk it?** _

There wasn't a response for a couple minutes, and she smiled thinking she got him right where she wanted him. _I am still in control._ Her smile vanished at his next response.

_**I'll take my chances.** _

Her lips twitched, and then she took a few deep breaths. Her carefully thought out plan was crumbling. Vera was extremely angry at him, but she was also conflicted on what she should do. Joan did her best to fuel the fires of hate between them, and no matter what she did it seemed to keep backfiring on her. She held a small newborn onesie that she found for Vera, imagining a beautiful baby boy in it. Except now that life was filled not with her and Vera... but Jake and Vera.

_I can't let that happen._

 

* * *

 

Vera bit her lip while she watched the CCTV. It was becoming harder and harder for her to sit at this desk during her pregnancy. She started to second guess if she should have suspended Will so early. She hadn't heard from him in the last few weeks, and it bothered her. But she supposed it couldn't be helped. She couldn't condone his behavior recently. Even if it meant that Jake was her Deputy Governor for now. Despite his anger, he often showed concern for her while she was at the prison. Especially if she was anywhere out in the yard. The basketball almost hit her today, and she was surprised at his yell towards the women. He'd given her a concerned look before his facial expression hardened.

She sighed, thinking maybe he could have access to their child. Maybe only every so often. Of course she'd never told this to Joan. She was so afraid of what would happen if Jake didn't get his way. Joan said she had to trust her, but she didn't understand what it was like for Vera. She didn't experience what Vera did while at Wentworth.

Jake passed by her office, and knocked on her door. “May I come in?”

“It's never stopped you before,” she murmured.

He frowned, scratching the back of his neck. “Listen Vera, I know things haven't been easy between us.”

“That's a bit of an understatement.”

“I think—I think we should work something out.”

“Like what? You threatening to take my baby away?”

“I shouldn't have done that. I was very angry, and now... well, I worry about you and the baby.”

“What's made you change your mind?”

“I had some things I needed to think about.”

“Jake, things aren't so easily fixed just by you changing your mind. That's the problem. You think that this will all go away just by apologizing, which you haven't done I might add.”

“Vera, you have no idea how sorry I am. I let too much get to me.”

“That's not good enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go attend Jenkins' parole hearing.”

 

* * *

 

Vera smiled at Boomer. “You did very well. It won't be much longer until you're released.”

“I really can't believe it. It feels weird. But hey, you gotta do me a favor, okay?”

“What is it, Jenkins?”

“Promise me you'll look after Liz. Kaz tries but she can't be there to help her at all times.”

Vera thought of Liz's slow decline into dementia, knowing how hard it would be for her to know Boomer was gone. She smiled gently. “Don't worry, I'll look out for her.”

“And Ms. Bennett... please look after yourself. You're almost due soon.”

Normally she would be annoyed by such a comment, but instead she knew that all Boomer was doing was expressing concern for her.

“Don't you worry, Jenkins. I'll be fine.”

She smiled before she closed the door. _I'll be perfectly fine..._

 

* * *

 

Walking through the door, she was a little surprised to see that the lights were dimmed. But there was a soft glow coming from the kitchen, and she smiled to see Joan lighting a candle on the dinner table. She looked up at her and smiled.

“Welcome home,” she said softly.

“What's this for?” Vera asked.

“A celebration. You're on maternity leave. And I want to show you exactly what you'll be treated to while you're with me.”

Vera blushed. “You didn't have to do that just yet. I won't be going on maternity leave until a few more days.”

“Might as well plan for it early. I'm sure Jake will be very busy taking over your duties.”

“It's funny you mention Jake. He's expressing remorse for how he's been acting the last few months.”

Joan didn't look at her, pouring herself a glass of wine and a glass of sparkling cider for Vera. “Has he? And you believe him?”

“I don't know what to believe at this point. He sort of sounded sincere.”

“Surely he doesn't think that this will score points with you.”

Vera shook her head. “I don't know, but it's a little of a relief. It's one less thing I have to worry about.”

Joan nodded, taking a sip of her wine. “Do you want him to be involved?” She asked quietly.

Vera thought it was now or never to be honest with her. “I don't know. I sometimes think maybe he should be, and then other times I become so angry over everything and I think he doesn't deserve it. But then I think of how I've forgiven you...”

Joan's eyes narrowed. “Jake and I are not the same. And our relationship is complicated, Vera. You know that everything that's happened has been because of us both trying to hurt the other. Jake would never understand that.”

Vera nodded. “No, he wouldn't. I just want my baby to be happy.”

“He will be. He'll be happy with the both of us, and he'll never want for anything.” Joan took her hand, her thumb stroking over her skin. “As soon as you're on maternity leave, we can go anywhere we want. Wherever you want to go, I'll take us there.”

“You want to leave Australia?”

“It's the only way we can be free. Please go with me.”

Vera felt excitement rush through her, imagining a place where she and Joan could be together with their child. Where no one could find them. And then she thought of how this was her home, and it was hard to imagine leaving that.

“Leave Australia...”

“Yes, and I promise I'll take care of the both of you,” she whispered.

“I-I don't know, Joan. That's a lot to think about.”

“It's not. It's a simple solution to the difficulties we face. You love me, don't you?”

“Yes, I do. I love you very much... but--”

“Then make the right choice. You know it is.”

Vera hesitated, and Joan sat next to her, cupping her face in her hands. “Come with me. I'll take care of you, and no one will ever love you like I do,” she said, kissing her softly.

Vera melted as she kissed her. “I want to be with you but...”

Joan kissed her again. “You and I were meant for each other, don't you understand that?”

“It's a big step. What if it's the wrong decision?”

Joan sighed, looking into her eyes and stroking her cheek. “You know that I would never do anything that wasn't best for you and the baby. This is what's best. Just think about it.”

Vera nodded, resting her hand over her stomach. “I will.”

Joan smiled, kissing her again and placed her hand over hers, gently feeling the baby kick. “He'll be here soon.”

Vera was happy but anxious. So many things were happening so fast. _I love her so much, but leaving Australia? Joan says to trust her, but is it enough?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed that chapter! :) Also some parts of this chapter were a little influenced by some events with Vera being pregnant and still working at the prison for S7 of Wentworth. But of course I'm not following the timeline of the show lol.


	22. Chapter 22

Joan smiled as she watched Vera sleeping on the couch. Her hair was softly curling around her face, and her palm was resting on her stomach. She'd had a long day at work, and after a few weeks she finally decided to take maternity leave. Joan couldn't help but be relieved that Vera would be home from now on. The stress and dangers of the prison was becoming too much. She slowly walked over and laid a blanket over Vera. The younger woman's hair fell over her forehead as she turned onto her side, and Joan took her hand and held it.

At one time Joan thought all that mattered was revenge. Of course she did what she needed to with Will, but there was a nagging thought in the back of her mind of how Vera would feel if she found out. Will had been reported missing and this made Vera very worried. She was afraid something had happened to him after he was suspended, and Joan wasn't sure if Vera would ever be ready to hear the truth. Especially not now with the baby coming soon.

Life was extremely complicated for her lately. She battled within herself for the need to avenge what happened to her, and even what happened to Vera. Yet there was another side of her that was afraid that her actions would change her relationship with Vera forever.

_I don't regret what I've done. Everything I do is for the greater good._

She squeezed her hand, gently reaching up to stroke Vera's cheek. The tenderness she felt in that moment was overwhelming. “But what I do regret is causing you pain,” she whispered. She remembered so many of the tears that Vera shed because of her. The ones that she took great pleasure in, and the ones that killed her to know she was the reason she had nightmares at night.

_If I hadn't tried to blackmail Jake, maybe her pregnancy would have been less stressful. But what else was I to do?_

Vera breathed deeply, and slowly opened her eyes. “Hi,” she said sleepily.

Joan smiled gently. “Hello, my dear. Are you hungry?”

“A little. Do we have um... can we have pizza and ice cream?”

“Is that what you're craving?” Joan asked playfully.

“Yes! I know you don't always like having junk food but I--”

“I'll get you anything you want, you know that.”

Vera teared up a little. “I know, I know you do.”

“Vera, no tears. I'm happy to do these things for you.”

“I know,” she said, sniffling.

Joan once again found the patience she had for these sudden outbursts of emotion. It wasn't always easy dealing with a hormonal pregnant Vera, but she couldn't help but enjoy these little moments they had together. She gently pulled Vera against her and caressed her cheeks, kissing her tenderly.

“I believe I know what kind of pizza you want, and the ice cream flavor.”

“You have to eat ice cream too!”

“Vera...”

“No, I won't take no for an answer this time. Otherwise I'll feel even more fat than what I already am.”

“You are not fat! Don't ever say that about yourself again.”

“Easy for you to say,” she mumbled.

Joan cupped her chin. “How many times do I have to tell you? You're beautiful. Please don't ever think you're not. Let's eat because now I'm famished.”

 

* * *

 

Joan smiled at Vera who was having a second slice of pizza. It was extremely fattening and she dabbed at the grease on it with her napkin, but watching Vera's happy expression made it worth it.

“Oh, my god this is so good. I'm not sure if I can have ice cream tonight.”

“After you all but made me get some,” Joan scoffed.

“Well, I am a whale now so maybe I shouldn't eat any of that.”

Joan shook her head, pulling Vera against her. “Stop that now. You're beautiful. There are times I just watch you sleeping after we've made love, and I see all of you. In your nakedness and vulnerability, and that is beautiful to me.”

Vera kissed her, and Joan loved how she felt so warm in her arms. Vera took her hand and placed it between her legs, and Joan's breath hitched at the wetness she felt. “Are you sure you don't want ice cream?” She asked teasingly.

“Joan, you have no idea how turned on I am.”

“I think I have some idea,” Joan said, smirking.

“I can't help how I feel lately,” she said blushing.

Joan slowly stroked her, teasingly as her underwear became even more damp. “Hmm... I know. It's been very _stimulating,_ ” she whispered against her lips.

Vera kissed her again, wrapping her arms around Joan. She could feel her baby bump press gently against her, and caressed her body as she held her in her arms.

“I want you so much,” Vera whispered, her body almost feverish as she pressed closer to Joan. She sighed into her mouth, closing her eyes as Vera trailed her lips across her jaw and neck.

“We need to go to the bedroom.”

“But it's so hard to get up from the couch like this.”

Joan laughed. “Don't worry, I will make sure you make it upstairs, even if I have to carry you.”

“I'm too heavy for that!”

Joan counted to ten, learning that doing so reined in her irritation. “Vera, if you remember I lifted Novak off the ground when I got into that little brawl out in the yard. You're pregnanT but you're not anything I can’t handle. Come here,” she ordered softly. She smiled when Vera moved her legs a little more onto her lap.

She held her close as she stood up, cradling Vera in her arms. Vera kissed her neck, and Joan shivered. “Okay, I don't know if I can continue to walk up the stairs if you keep doing that,” she moaned.

She kissed Vera deeply, resisting the urge to lie her down onto the floor and take her right then and there. “Behave.”

Vera smiled, and Joan knew there was nothing she wouldn't do for her. It was an overwhelming feeling, and it scared her a little. Carrying her into the bedroom, she gently laid her down but was startled when Vera spread her legs, quickly taking off her pants.

“I want you. I want to be inside you.”

Joan's nostrils flared and she quickly discarded the rest of her clothes, kissing Vera hard. “You want to be inside me?” She whispered against her mouth, her hands caressing her back and ass.

Joan wanted a little more foreplay but she was already so wet now that she didn't think it would be a problem. She spread her legs wider, lying back on the bed. “What are you waiting for? Get to work.”

Vera placed a kiss between her legs, nuzzling her and kissing her inner thighs. She moaned deeply when Vera slowly thrust inside her, and she knew she was using three fingers because of how filled she felt. Opening her eyes she saw Vera lying down next to her, her movements slow and deliberate while she kissed her and curled her fingers inside her.

“Vera,” she moaned.

“Yes,” she whispered back, and Joan whimpered when her finger very gently brushed her clit. Looking into her eyes, she began to lift her hips when Vera rubbed her clit in soft, slow circles.

Undulating her hips, she bent her knees and cupped Vera's face. She desperately needed the eye contact. She wanted Vera to see what she was doing to her. “A little faster,” she rasped. Vera nodded, stroking and pumping her fingers faster. Panting, Joan rocked her hips strongly, feeling the pressure building inside her.

Vera kept kissing her and Joan moaned into her mouth, loving how her tongue rolled over hers.

“You're so wet. I want you so much. I need you,” Vera said huskily.

Joan couldn't speak then, the tension in her body becoming too much and she knew how close she was. She panted, rocking her hips faster as she arched her back.

“Tell me what you want... what you need,” Vera whispered against her neck, kissing and gently biting the skin.

“I need to come,” she moaned.

“Yes, come for me.”

Joan's legs were shaking, and Vera whispered in her ear, “Always with you.”

She cried out in her climax, holding onto Vera tightly. She panted, her body clearly not wanting to let Vera go as she held her fingers inside her. Shivering she looked into Vera's eyes, kissing her deeply.

Vera smiled, slowly removing her fingers and sucking on them. Joan moaned, pushing Vera onto her back and kissing her. “I want you on your side. It's easier this way.”

“I wish we weren't so limited,” Vera pouted.

Joan kissed her neck. “It's just a different way we have to make love because of the baby.”

“I know, but I need you... I need you to fuck me,” she moaned.

Joan wasn't exactly surprised but when Vera talked that way she knew that she was very needy. “I love when you say that to me. It shows me how naughty you are.”

“I want you so much.”

“Yes, I know you do,” Joan said, but she knew she had to be careful this late into pregnancy with how much Vera could take. Vera lifted her thigh onto hers, opening herself to Joan. She sucked her neck and lifted her hand to play with her breasts. She knew Vera was very sensitive there lately, and smiled at how hard her nipples were. She lowered her head and took one into her mouth, sucking hard.

Vera pressed into her thigh, loving the feel of her soft and warm body.

Joan would have to spoon her to make this easier but she wanted to feel her breasts in her mouth first. She sucked them deeper and harder, biting gently. Vera sighed, holding her head to her breasts. She loved how she ran her fingers through her hair. She looked up at her, resting her head on her breast and kissing it. She caressed her stomach lovingly, kissing her breast and lifting up to kiss her mouth.

Smiling, she stroked her hair and gently maneuvered them so she could spoon her. Trailing her lips across her neck and shoulders, she felt herself becoming lost in the warmth of her body.

Spreading Vera's legs a little more, she teased her wet lips and clit, circling it and kissing her neck. She slowly slid her fingers inside her.

“Oh, Joan,” she moaned.

Joan smiled and turned her head to kiss her deeply, her fingers beginning to thrust a little harder in the way she knew Vera wanted. Her other hand stroked her stomach and thigh. Her hand lifted to rest across her chest, and she could feel the fast beating of her heart.

Vera moaned, moving back onto her fingers and Joan used the heel of her hand to gently rub her clit.

“Vera,” she whispered, slowly pumping her fingers.

“Harder,” she panted.

“Vera, I don’t want to hurt the baby.”

“You won’t. You never could.”

She thrust a little harder, but kept her pace very slow. Vera moaned softly, her eyelashes fluttering as she looked up at Joan.

“You’re so beautiful,” Joan whispered.

She kissed her again, pressing harder against Vera’s clit.

“Joan,” she gasped.

Staring into her eyes, she loved seeing the pleasure in them; her body tensing and shivering. Joan felt how close she was by the tightening of her fingers.

“You’re trembling. Let go for me.”

Vera breathed heavily and Joan pressed her hand harder against her clit, curling her fingers. “Come for me now,” she whispered hotly.

Vera panted, and Joan closed her eyes and moaned feeling how tight Vera squeezed fingers. She kissed Vera, drinking in her moans while she came. She gently stroked her clit, and then over her stomach before she slid her fingers into mouth.

“You taste delicious.”

Vera blushed a deep red, and Joan kissed her again.

“I would love to ravish you tonight but I know you’re probably tired.”

As if on cue, Vera let out a small yawn. “I’m sorry I get so tired.”

Joan caressed her arms, slowly and gently as she held her. She could feel Vera relaxing, and she marveled at the love and trust she showed her.

Joan was beginning to drift off until she heard Vera sniffling. She gently turned Vera to face her. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you? I knew I shouldn’t—”

“No, you didn’t hurt me. I just—I just feel a lot and I love you so much. I’m scared though. We don’t even know about a name. Everything is happening so fast.”

Joan stroked her cheek. “We can decide on a name soon. I know there will be changes but you’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

“I’m so scared that I won’t be a good mum. What if I can’t do this, Joan? What if I fuck up his life in the same way my mum fucked up mine?” She burst into tears, and Joan cupped her cheek.

“Listen to me, Vera. She’s not here, and she can no longer hurt you. You’ll be a wonderful mother.”

“But what if I become just like her? What if he ends up hating me?” Her lips trembled.

Joan cupped her cheeks. “You're his mother. He could never hate you. You’ll be able to avoid the same mistakes because of the very fact that you’re worried about it, and that makes you different than her. I know just how kind and loving you are. He’s lucky to have you as his mother. You won't be like her, Vera.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know,” Joan said, kissing her and holding her close until they both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took a bit longer! I was pretty busy in the last month with working and then going to WWCon! After the excitement of that weekend, I finally decided it was time to update one of my stories. I hope everyone liked this chapter. :)


	23. Chapter 23

Vera was so ready to have this baby. She was tired of being pregnant, and it would be any day now. Then there was the other part of her that was very scared of being a parent and taking care of a child. And not just any child, but _her_ child.

_Will I ever be a good enough mother to him?_

She gasped when she felt a strong kick, and it made her smile. Joan carried a tray of soup and salad, setting it down on the coffee table next to her own tray.

“Are you okay?” She asked worriedly.

Vera nodded, grabbing Joan's hand and placing it over her stomach. “He's kicking. Do you think he'll kick so hard that my water will break?” She asked seriously.

Joan's hand gently moved over her stomach, chuckling softly at the question. “I don't think that's possible, Vera. He's just playing,” she said, smiling.

There was such a gentle look in Joan's eyes, and she didn't want this moment to end. She leaned down and pressed her ear to her stomach, turning and kissing it gently. “Someday I'll teach you how to fence. I can't wait to meet you, malysh.”

Vera had never heard her say that before. “What is that? Malysh?”

“Malysh is Russian for 'baby boy.'”

“It sounds so beautiful the way you say it.”

Joan blushed. “I used to say that to Shayne.”

“Jianna's son,” Vera said quietly.

Joan nodded, her eyes sad as she looked away. “I should have done things differently with him. This time with you is my second chance. If anything happens to you, I promise you that I will take care of him.”

“Nothing is going to happen to me, or the baby.”

“You don't know that, Vera. I just want to let you know that I will always take care of you and the baby. If anything were to happen to you, he'll be taken care of. He'll always be safe with me.”

Tears stung her eyes, and she cupped Joan's cheek. “I know he will be. But you have nothing to worry about. I'll be fine.”

It took Vera time to understand Joan's fear and guilt, but overtime she'd shared a little more with her about Shayne and Jianna. It was more than what she heard when Joan was in the hospital. Vera wished she'd understood more then, beyond her anger and confusion during that time. Joan shared with her some of the happier memories she had, and she realized that Joan was just like her in many ways, or at least she used to be. The only differences was how they coped with things.

She kissed Joan tenderly. “You have nothing to worry about.”

Joan sighed into her mouth, kissing her back and wrapping her arms around her. Her soft and tender touch relaxed her and she stroked her cheek, pulling back to look into Joan's eyes. “If we were to leave Australia, where would you want to go?”

Joan's smiled gently, stroking her hair behind her ear. “I'm glad you're thinking about it. It should be somewhere that no one can find us. New Zealand isn't far, but might be too close for comfort. We have to be far enough away so no one can hurt us, and where Jake can't be in this child's life.”

Vera frowned. “He's been so understanding lately. More so than I ever expected.”

Joan's eyes narrowed, and she pulled away. “Vera, he would never understand. He can't be trusted to be in our child's life. I worked with him for a while, and I know what kind of man he really is. He would be a horrible father.”

Joan was right in that he couldn't be trusted, but there was a small part of her that felt guilty. How could she explain that to Joan?

“Are we doing the right thing?” She asked quietly.

Joan stared at her for a few seconds, taking a deep breath. “Every day I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing, and most of the time the answer is yes. Not everyone has to agree with it or understand it, but what you feel is what's right. Don't let anyone guilt trip or pressure you into doing what you don't want to do.”

Vera thought Joan's eyes were sad as she spoke, and she wondered about what she said. “Most of the time you do the right thing? What about the other times?”

She stroked Vera's hand, holding it in her lap as she looked down. “Vera, I have something to tell you...”

There was a knock at the door, and Vera sighed. Joan moved away, beginning to walk back down the hall. As she opened the door, she was a little surprised to see Jake standing there. He held some flowers in his hand.

“What are you doing here?”

He smiled nervously. “I wanted to give you these, just to show that I'm thinking about you and the baby. I hope you're okay since you've been on maternity leave.”

“I am, thank you,” she said, suddenly feeling awkward.

“You have company?”

She followed his gaze behind her to see the two trays of lunch on the coffee table, biting her lip before she turned back to him.

“I did earlier.”

“Well, who's here with you?”

“I don't think that's any of your business, Jake.”

“Is it Miller?”

Vera was extremely annoyed by such a question. It was true she developed a friendship with the new psychologist, but Jake's jealousy of the man was getting very tiresome.

“No, he's not here.”

“I'm trying here, Vera. I want to be a good father to our son.”

“Jake, I don't want you in our life.”

“But I thought things had been a little better between us lately. Please, Vera.”

“I'm sorry but it just can't work out. Please stop asking this of me.”

He took a deep breath. “Okay, okay... but please reconsider.”

“Goodbye, Jake,” she said as she slowly closed the door.

She rubbed her stomach, turning around to see Joan lurking in the doorway. She sighed and waddled over to the couch.

Joan slowly walked over and sat next to her. “I didn't know you told him the sex of the baby,” she said quietly.

“It was an accident. Our new psychologist thought he knew and blurted it out.”

“It seems those chosen for that department have definitely not been mensa material.”

Vera smirked. “Yeah, that's for sure.”

“You should eat your soup before it gets cold.”

“I don't know if I'm very hungry...”

“Don't let something like that bother you, Vera. You owe nothing to him, do you hear me?”

She nodded, smiling a little when Joan cupped her cheek and kissed her tenderly. “I hear you,” Vera whispered, kissing her again. Joan's warm arms came around her, gently as she held her close. She kissed her more deeply, moaning softly into her mouth.

Joan caressed her body, smiling into the kiss as she held her. “I don't think I'm going to survive how aroused you've been during this pregnancy. We need to eat,” she sighed as Vera kissed her neck. 

“We can eat after,” Vera continued to kiss her neck, loving the feeling of the soft skin under her lips. Joan let out a soft moan, turning to kiss Vera again.

Her lips were soft and slow, tender as she held Vera close. Her kisses were almost soothing as she caressed her breasts and stomach. Joan’s fingers stroked through her hair, and when she looked at her, she saw love and desire in her eyes.

“Vera, I think—”

“Let me love you,” Vera whispered. Joan’s nostrils flared and she cupped the back of Vera’s neck, kissing her deeply. 

Joan’s mouth was hot as she nipped and sucked her bottom lip. She opened her mouth a little more when she felt Joan’s tongue teasingly lick her lips. Her tongue rolled over hers, sending tingles down her spine. Joan kissed her in a way that felt both loving and possessive, making Vera want her even more. 

Vera broke their kiss, taking in Joan’s heavier breathing and hooded eyes. She opened her blouse, and removed the bra cup back. Joan had such beautiful and full breasts, her nipples hardening while she cupped her breasts.

“Vera,” she whispered and she kissed the swell of her breast, her lips now covering her nipple and sucking.

Joan moaned softly, her hand coming down to hold her head gently to her breast. “Yes,” she hissed, and her legs spread in such an inviting way. Vera opened her pants, sliding her hand down inside to feel her wet heat. 

“You’re so wet,” she said gently bit her nipple, making Joan moan. 

Vera wondered if this would be the last time they’d be able to make love before the baby arrived, and so she decided to make the most of it, even if it felt a little hurried and messy.

She teased Joan, touching and sliding her fingers along her wet lips. Joan moaned and gently pressed into her hand. She could feel her fingers running through her hair while she sucked her nipple, trying to get as much of her breast into her mouth as she could. 

“Look at me,” Joan commanded, lifting her head gently. She wanted so much to keep worshipping her breasts but she couldn’t deny her. She stared into her eyes, and Joan gently cupped her cheek. 

Joan pressed her forehead to hers, kissing her again. 

Vera slowly thrust her fingers inside her, watching as Joan’s eyes half closed, breathing faster.

Lifting her thumb, she gently stroked her clit, and Joan twitched slightly, making Vera smile. “You’re very sensitive right now.”

Joan smiled back sensually, leaning forward to kiss her neck, her lips finding hers again. “Only you could do this to me.”

Vera watched her, loving the pleasure in Joan’s eyes as she moved her fingers inside. Joan lifted her hips, pressing her face to Vera’s neck and biting gently. She could feel her panting, and Joan gently touched her stomach. 

“Are you comfortable like this?”

Vera sighed in frustration. “I’m fine, don’t worry. Just relax.”

Joan moaned softly, beginning to rock her hips a little faster. Vera circled her clit, knowing Joan was close. 

“Come for me,” Vera whispered into her ear. 

Joan trembled, gasping as she went rigid in her arms. 

“Vera stop!” 

“I love you, let go for me.”

“No, Vera stop! Stop!” Joan cried out, gently removing Vera’s hand from inside her.

“Did I hurt you? What’s wrong?” Vera asked anxiously. 

Joan had a shocked look on her face. But Vera could see she wasn’t looking at her. Joan quickly zipped up her pants and pulled Vera closer to her. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” Joan said angrily.

“Neither should you,” a new voice said. Vera knew that voice. She turned around to see Jake standing behind them.

She sat up, shocked as she stared at him. “What the fuck are you doing in my house?!”

“I was concerned, and I knew something didn’t seem right. I just didn’t know that _this_ was going on!” He had a disgusted look on his face. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Vera?!”

Joan glared, slowly standing up. “You need to leave. I won’t have you causing her more stress.”

“Oh, so it’s going to be like that? She doesn’t know, does she?”

“Be very careful, Jake,” Joan said in a low and dangerous voice.

Vera was very confused. “I don’t know what? What’s going on?”

Joan turned towards her, looking very sad. “Vera, please remember how much I love you and our baby, and I will do _anything_  to protect you.”

“What the fuck? This isn’t your fucking baby, Ferguson! This is my child.”

Joan sighed, as if she was dealing with an annoying insect. “You’re the sperm donor, not the parent. You will never love this child and Vera more than me. In fact, you could say the very reason why she became pregnant is because of me. Vera and that baby are _mine_.”

“Are you fucking serious? You’re a sick psychopathic bitch, Ferguson.”

“I’ll put the kettle on.”

Vera took a few deep breaths, feeling anxious and more scared. 

“Would the both of you shut the fuck up? I’m right here and I belong to no one. Tell me what the fuck is going on!” 

Joan took her hand, and her voice shook with emotion. “You know how much I love you. Don’t ever forget that. No matter what you hear, everything I do is for the greater good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me a little longer to write. I’ve been feeling some lack of motivation lately and it’s been a little hard to want to write, but rest assured I will finish this story. I hope everyone enjoyed that chapter! :)


End file.
